The Great Big Harry Potter Crossover Original Fic
by Ela Dis-Enchanted
Summary: A weird combination of my favorite books and movies mixed with a little bit of originality. Also, there is some action and a bit of mystery thrown in. It's really fun.
1. The Girl Who Lived In Florida

**The Great Big Harry Potter Crossover-Original Fic**

OH, MAN! I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to write this fic. At least a year… Now it's summer vacation and I have plenty of time to write it! Okay, anyway, it's a combination of about 5 or 6 (maybe more later) books, stories, movies, TV shows, ANYTHING I can think of, but it's all based in the world of Harry Potter. I'm putting in stuff from Harry Potter (of course), LotR, Artemis Fowl, Star Wars, perhaps even the Pendragon books. You may also find a bit of random stuff from my life stuck here or there. Don't worry; I'll explain stuff that most of you wouldn't know. There is also an original bit, Ela, the main character, and her friends. Anyway, I'm having SO much fun writing this so I hope you like it. If you hate it, then you can go die. Oh, and before I go on, I must give credit where credit is due. I was inspired to write this story by SilverPhoenix25 and her delightfully insane Harry Potter parodies and Spunkz the Wacked Out Spaz, with her Harry Potter Truth-or-Dare. And I'd also like to thank my friend Manga for just being my friend and letting me put her in my story. You guys rock! Oh yeah, the first chapter's pretty short, as it mostly just introduces the story, but the following chapters will be longer, better, and hopefully not quite so stupid.

**Disclaimer:** I'm just going to do one big general disclaimer. Nothing really belongs to me except the (lack of) plot, Ela, Manga, and Luna. Almost everything else…well, it comes from different places. I'm not going to turn this into a scavenger hunt and find all the names of everyone who wrote (directed and produced, in the cases of movies) the material I'm ripping off. You can do that yourself. =)

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Girl Who Lived… In Florida**

The sun blazed mercilessly down on the faded asphalt of a small Floridian neighborhood. Children playing in their yards slowly baked in the violent UV rays beating down on them. That stupid kid Timmy next door was trying to set his house on fire… again. And a bored teenage girl named Ela sat alone in front of her house, reading a shamelessly plugged Harry Potter book, sipping the just-a-little-too sweet blue raspberry-lemonade Kool-Aid her sister made the day before. Actually, she wasn't really _reading_ the book; she was counting how many times the name "Lupin" appeared in it… but that's not really important. The important part is, Ela was sick of all this stupid sun. She liked rain! RAIN! Why must she be tortured by the Florida summer? Ela threw down her book and stormed inside.

The television in the living room was still on the news channel. Ela waited impatiently for the weather report. The just so dang convenient, "your-morning-forecast-on-the-nines-that-is-just-such-a-smart-idea-because-you-can-never-possibly-ever-miss-the-weather-that-way" report. Problem was, it was 11:02 and Ela would have to wait another 7 minutes for the weather. Yeah, real convenient. So, she did what any sane person would do. She ran outside and called upon the Tiki Goddess of rain, Rafikia.

"Rafikia, Goddess of the Rain, send your blessing upon this land! Please! It's really hot! I swear! My cat just spontaneously combusted!" Ela kept shouting random pleas to the sky, yet nothing happened. In fact, it got even hotter. Ela ran back inside and picked up her cordless phone. She angrily dialed her best friend Manga's number.

"Manga, you must come over. It's too hot and I'm bored out of my MIND!" Ela shouted at the receiver.

"Ela," started Manga. "I can't, I have to babysit my brothers…"

"I implore you to reconsider," said Ela, thoughtfully.

"Okay!" exclaimed Manga. "I'll be right over."

Manga trudged the grueling two WHOLE blocks to Ela's house in the violent sun in precisely 4 minutes, 26 seconds, 92 milliseconds, and 12 nanoseconds. Ela greeted her in front of the door.

"Oh thank you Manga, I…" _Thud_.

"Um, what was that?" Manga inquired, looking around for the source of the noise.

"Oh look, it's… an owl…"

Sure enough, lying in Ela's front yard was a screech owl who had randomly fallen from the sky. Despite the fact that screech owls, like most other owls, _are_ in fact nocturnal and not native to the particular area of Florida that Ela lived in and since I'm using this as an ill-conceived plot device to promote us to the really important part of the story, we'll just say the girls accepted it as a common occurrence and walked over to the owl. Ela found a parchment envelope tied to its leg.

"Hey cool, parchment," said Ela. Then she promptly took a lighter out of her pocket and ignited the poor little envelope. It never had a chance.

"Wait, what'd you do that for?" asked Manga, shocked. "It could have been important!"

"Just hang on," said Ela, looking down at her watch. "Three… two… one…" she whispered.

Suddenly, like a hailstorm of paper, about three thousand identical parchment envelopes dropped from the sky around the two friends. They got a few paper cuts, but they survived. Ela snatched up another envelope.

"Should I get rid of these first, go crazy, and go to an island and all that?" she asked.

"Nah, let's skip that part," replied Manga. "It'd be almost a little _too_ rippy-offy."

"True."

Ela opened the envelope and found a small letter written on the same parchment as the envelope. The note, written in green ink, read:

_To Miss Ela,_

> _We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Even though you live in Florida. You can bring your friend Manga, too, if you want…_

"Cool," said Manga. "It looks like we're going to Hogwarts.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a swirling vortex fell from the sky. Dark clouds gathered around it as it moved closer to Manga and Ela at an amazing speed. Its fierce winds lifted them from the ground as if they weighed nothing. They hurtled into the heart of the spinning tornado. Then it sucked itself back into the sky and disappeared with a blinding flash.

Timmy, Ela's stupid next-door-neighbor, watched curiously as the dark clouds faded away. As if by magic, a stray gust of wind ripped a limb off the tree he was under and smashed him in the head. Haha, serves him right for being a nosy little punk. I mean, and that's where the adventure really begins…

* * *

Yes Virginia, freaky swirling vortices really DO exist… Okay, that's all for the first chapter. I know it's short, I apologize, but I have fun plans for the second chapter. Actually, I was going to write the second chapter today, but I'm going jet-skiing so… Sometimes it does pay to live by the ocean, huh? Hehe… Review my little wicked minions or I shall find you and slip white oleander into your food… Uh… BYE!


	2. Everyone ELSE in the Story Almost

Now it's time for chapter two, the insanely random introduction of everybody else! This includes only some (probably most) of the other characters you will be seeing. It may still be a bit short, but who cares? After this, the story may actually develop a plot! GASP! However, I cannot guarantee that…

(Note to those who haven't read the Pendragon books, here's a quick synopsis so you aren't totally lost: Bobby Pendragon is a Traveler from "Second Earth" (our world). There are ten "Territories," or dimensions, Second Earth being one of them. There is a Traveler from each Territory. Bobby is the leader of the good Travelers. Saint Dane is the only bad Traveler. He's trying to rule the Territories. He likes to mess with Bobby, who is trying to stop him from ruling the Territories. Travelers get around using cave thingies called flumes that take them to different Territories. Bobby is 14, athletic, and popular. Saint Dane is God knows how old, 7 feet tall, and has piercing blue eyes. Yeah and he has long grey hair, too. And he's a shape-shifter. And also, Mark and Courtney are Bobby's friends, to whom he sends journals of his adventures so they know what's going on. That's all I know that may be important to you.)

* * *

**Chapter 2: Everyone ELSE in the Story (Almost)**

"_Amorum Totalus_!" shouted Hermione as she pointed her wand at Ron. She was practicing for Charms. At least that's what she told _Ron_…

Ron fell to the floor, stunned for a moment, then sat up. He looked up at Hermione and cartoon-ish hearts seemed to appear in his eyes. For unbeknownst to Ron, _Amorum Totalus_ was _not_ in fact a charm from Professor Flitwick's class as Hermione had claimed, but as those of you with a basic knowledge of Latin, Spanish, or who just have a good vocabulary may have already guessed, a love spell.

"Hermione, have I ever told you how pretty…" Ron started. But he didn't finish. No, Harry Potter busted in at just the right moment, as he always seems to do.

"I think Voldemort is trying to kill me!" he shouted at his friends, panicked.

Hermione snorted. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I'm secretly in love with Draco Malfoy," Harry said seriously.

"What?!" exclaimed Ron and Hermione in unison.

"That's something you don't know."

* * *

"Holly, where are we going?!?!" screamed Foaly as the shuttle he was in hurtled through the narrow underground tunnels of the Lower Elements fairy…place. Habitat. Thing.

"Shut up Foaly, I'm trying to concentrate!" replied Holly, biting her lip. This particular tunnel system was hell to get through. There were too many twists and turns and barely enough room to fly. She needed silence.

Artemis Fowl, Butler, Commander Root, and Mulch Diggums hung on in the back. Foaly sat up front in the copilot's seat. The group was headed towards a location where Foaly had picked up on people using magic and talking about things like fairies and such. The quickest way to get there was via chute E16, but that chute had been closed for centuries. So they had to take a detour. A fast, twisty, dangerous detour to be sure.

Nobody really knew why Artemis Fowl was there, though. Or Butler or Mulch for that matter. But since they always seem to be a team in the books, the author figured "Why the hell not?" and stuck them in anyway. Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this. Honest.

About 50 yards ahead, Holly was beginning to see a circle of light. The end of the tunnel. _Good_, she thought. _These tunnels suck_. She revved up the engines in anticipation of getting there more quickly. Bad idea, fairy girl. In her haste, Holly hit a large rock that was jutting out of the side of the passage. This sent the shuttle spinning forward, tumbling out of the mouth of a cave.

As they crashed in a large forest, Foaly heard several metallic crunches. His last thought before he lost consciousness was, _Holly's going to pay for this_…

* * *

"Well, Pendragon, go ahead and stop me," sneered Saint Dane. He held up his hands as if offering Bobby a chance to lunge at him.

Bobby stood his ground. He wasn't insane.

"Very well," Saint Dane said smugly and turned to face the flume.

It hit Bobby just then. Was he going to let Saint Dane get away again? After what he had done to his friends? After everything Bobby saw him do on Denduron, Cloral, and Veelox? On First Earth even? No. He couldn't.

"Saint Dane!" called out Bobby. But it was too late.

The evil Traveler shouted, "Hogwarts!" and was gone a moment later in a flash of light and music.

Whoa! Hogwarts? What a stupid name. But it sounded vaguely familiar. Was it Saint Dane's home Territory? Or just another Territory Bobby hadn't yet been to? There was only one way to find out. Bobby drew a deep breath.

"Hogwarts!" he yelled, and the flume came to life, twisting and bending, becoming clear and glowing. Then it sucked him in. He was going to Hogwarts, whatever that was…

* * *

"Aragorn, we're hungry!" shouted Pippin. "We need food!"

"Just tighten your belts and wait until we reach our location," the somber Ranger answered.

"Which is?" asked Merry impatiently.

"A surprise," Aragorn answered with a small laugh.

"Well, still, why can't we eat?" whined Sam.

"I bet he's anorexic," said Pippin, darkly.

"No, now come on!" said Aragorn, a bit miffed. Irked. Peeved. Annoyed.

The hobbits trudged along behind Aragorn, followed by Gandalf, then Gimli. Legolas pranced around in the back with that weird look on his face that made it seem like he just got slapped and simultaneously heard some weird noise off in the distance. Elves…

Speaking of Legolas, it seems that he had just found something because a moment later he shouted, "Aragorn, look!" Eloquent _and_ articulate, no?

He pointed to a cave in the side of a mountain about a mile ahead. With his super-sensitive elf eyes, he could see all the way over there like he was Superman or something. Apparently he knew where this secret "location" was, too, and going through the cave was part of getting there.

"Not another one!" said Frodo, opening his big blue puppy dog eyes. "I don't like caves. I'm skeeeerd!" A million fangirls across the world "Awwwwwwwww!"-ed.

"I'm sorry Frodo, but we must get there before nightfall," said Gandalf, now in on this too. So they did.

Now in the cave, they wandered around for a little while, and said a few profound things about their true purposes and something about how you have to do something with the time that is given to you…

But unbeknownst to them, a little shriveled up gray muppet thing was following behind them chanting, "My precioussssss…my precioussssss…"

* * *

"Is Lily looking at me?" asked James Potter of his three best friends.

"No," they replied.

"Oh."

* * *

FaNgrL04 watched the credits rolling on the Two Towers extended version DVD as well as the Special Widescreen Edition Chamber of Secrets DVD on adjacent TV's, reading Pendragon: The Lost City of Faar and Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, and reviewing Ela Dis-Enchanted's stories on fanfiction.net all simultaneously.

"OMG I lik soooo totily luv dis stff!" she screamed, her left brain now permanently set on chatspeak. "I wish I wuz in 1 ov dese books or muvies…"

Well, FaNgrl04, be careful what you wish for…

* * *

Well! That was fun! Please review this chapter, or I will be very angry with you. So if you don't review, and you wake up dead tomorrow, you'll know it was me who killed you! Oh, I'll try to write some more tomorrow, if I have time, but I gotta clean my room…=D I'll do what I can.


	3. Let's do the time warp agaaaaaain!

Well, not much to really say about this chapter. Except that it's just where all of the characters meet. Have fun reading my friends…

* * *

**Chapter 3: Let's to the Time Warp Agaaaaaain…**

The swirling vortex that had carried Manga and Ela away from their homes suddenly stopped spinning and dropped the two friends. Ela felt her back hit cold, hard stone. She heard Manga fall beside her with a bump.

"Ow," mumbled Ela as she rolled over and sat up. She rubbed her throbbing temples and looked around. Her eyes widened when she realized where she was. Hogwarts.

Ela looked down and saw that she was wearing an odd school uniform consisting of a black pleated skirt, a short-sleeved white dress shirt, and a black tie. She also wore clean black robes with knee socks and Mary Janes. Another scan around the room revealed that Manga was wearing the same thing. Well, not the SAME thing. That would be weird. I mean an identical outfit.

Manga sat up and rubbed her eyes. She also recognized the Hogwarts castle. She turned to Ela.

"Wow," said Manga. "That was weird. I didn't expect us to really end up here."

"I did," said Ela semi-grimly. "In this story, there's nothing that's impossible."

Suddenly a three-headed monkey-dog ran past and burst into flames.

"See?"

Ela stood up and helped Manga to her feet. A moment later they heard the echo of short brisk footsteps on the stone floor. A tall, hawklike woman who could only be Professor McGonagall came down the marble stairs of the Entrance Hall.

"It's about time," said McGonagall sharply. "Come with me."

Manga shrugged and Ela nodded. They followed the Professor into a small chamber off the Entrance Hall, near the doors to the Great Hall. When they looked inside, they gasped. For inside the chamber was…

Nothing.

"Oops, wrong door," said McGonagall apologetically. She turned out and opened another door right next to it. Then Ela and Manga REALLY gasped. For inside this room was…

BOOK PEOPLE! FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! MUA HA HA! (insert sinister music here) Well, most of the people were fictional. Ela recognized Holly Short, Artemis Fowl, Butler, and Mulch Diggums from _Artemis Fowl_. She also found Bobby Pendragon and Saint Dane from the_ Pendragon_ books. Also in the room were Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam, from _Lord of the Rings_. Legolas was mysteriously missing, much to Manga's disappointment. And there was also Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter of MWPP, but they were all teenagers. Talk about weirdness.

"These are the…other new students," said McGonagall with a hint of contempt in her voice. "Professor Dumbledore has sent for all of you."

"Why?" asked Bobby Pendragon.

"How the hell should I know?" snapped McGonagall. "He's a crazy old man, ask him yourself!"

With that McGonagall stormed out of the room.

"Well, she sure was happy to see us," said Pippin from the back.

Ela looked around and realized that there was someone she didn't know in the room. It was a little blonde girl of about age 11 who was staring at Frodo lovingly. She had bright blue eyes and wore the same school uniform as Manga and Ela. In fact, everyone had on a school uniform. But back to the girl. Manga looked at her and squinted.

"I know you!" Manga exclaimed, suddenly, pointing at the girl. "You're FaNgrL04! How on Earth did you get here?"

"Wait, you know her?" asked Ela, confused.

"Yeah, she was on the Neopets forums (wink-subliminal advertising) spamming about all kinds of crap she likes and nobody else cares about…"

"I lik Hilary Duff soo much OMG LOL LMAO WTF OMG LOL WTF ROTFL OMG LMAO LOL OMG!" said FaNgrL04, randomly.

"Shut her up, Butler," said Artemis Fowl with an air of arrogance. Obediently, Butler pulled out a Sig Sauer and cocked back the hammer.

"Ah, not if I can kill her first," Saint Dane said as he quickly pulled out a silver pistol and aimed it at FaNgrL04.

"OMG WTF r da guns 4?" asked FaNgrL04, oblivious.

Ela put her hand on Saint Dane's wrist. "Not yet," she muttered, deep in thought, as Manga made Butler drop his gun.

"Okay," said Ela finally. "FaNgrL04, tell me about yourself."

"I cnt understnd u LOL!"

"OMG A/S/L!" said Ela, also fluent in chatspeak.

"11/F/USA LOL! AN I LOVE LotR AN HP AN AF AN PENDRAGN 2 LOL!"

Ela thought for a moment. "Can u du anythn but tlk n chtspk?"

"OMG LMAO NO!" replied FaNgrL04, jovially.

Ela nodded.

"Kill her."

"With pleasure," said Saint Dane, pulling back the hammer of his gun.

Without warning, Professor Flitwick burst into the chamber.

"Well need you all for the sorting in a few minutes. Just come through this door into the Great Hall when you hear the applause after the first years are sorted," he told them. "Um…bye!" He closed the door quickly behind him, not knowing how he spared an annoying fangirl's life…for now.

"All right everybody," started Ela. "How did you get here?"

Aragorn was the first to speak.

"We traveled here through a cave in the mountains of Gondor. We came out where there were many boats sitting in an underground cavern. When we came into the castle, we were called in here and given these strange uniforms."

"I came in here through a flume," said Bobby Pendragon. "I was following _him_." He pointed to Saint Dane, who gave Ela a sly smile. "Anyway, some old lady found me and brought me in here and also gave me a uniform. Luckily, he was in here too." Again he pointed to Saint Dane. "He's evil, watch out for him…"

"We crashed our shuttle here," said Holly. "It's still out in the forest. Foaly and Root are fixing it. Anyway, we came up here because we picked up magic on our sensors being used out of fairy territory. Apparently there are witches here, as we NOW know," she finished, slightly angry. "We didn't even need to come here, this has nothing to do with fairies. But now we're stuck here."

"OMG A HUGE VRTX CAM AN BROT ME HER!" said FaNgrL04.

"Just like us," said Manga. "But it's eight years in the past. The vortex must have been, like, a time warp…"

"It's just a jump to the left," sang Ela.

Everybody joined in. "And then a step to the riiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

"Oh no," mumbled Manga.

"With your hands on your hips."

"You bring your knees in tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insaaaaaaaaane…"

Manga covered her ears. "Stop that!"

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAAAIN!"

FaNgrL04 attempted to sing. "OMG LTS DU DA TIM WRP AGN!!!!!!111!1!1!!!"

"STOP IT!" Manga shouted.

"It's so dreamy…" started Ela.

"I SAID STOP IT DAMMIT!"

The music stopped as Manga stood on a chair and screamed at everybody.

"I had to rehearse that song every day for the past like four weeks for the fricking high school talent show! I used the love the song, but now it just drives me totally nuts! I know every single word to it because I've heard it fifty thousand hundred billion times already and I'm not in the mood to hear it anymore! Ela knows, and she's doing it just to annoy me! Now I'm going to have it stuck in my head all day, and I'm going to go even crazier than I am NOW!"

"Is anybody really even listening to her?" asked Mulch Diggums with a yawn.

"Nope," said Gandalf.

Before Manga could finish ranting, everybody heard applause from the Great Hall.

"Time to go then," said Butler to Artemis.

Saint Dane transformed quickly into a shorter, 16 year old version of himself. Bobby looked at him angrily, like he always does, for no real reason except that Saint Dane indirectly killed his uncle, his friend's father, and his other friend's mother.

"What?" he asked Bobby innocently. "I don't want to look like a freak." He cast a glance at Butler, who was also about seven feet tall. Butler saw and looked back at him with a "If we weren't about to go in front of a few thousand people, I would snap your neck for making fun of me, tough guy" kind of stare.

Everyone else just rolled their eyes and filed through the door into the Great Hall…

* * *

Well, that's the end of chapter 3! Hope you liked it! R/R or… I won't be your friend anymore! Also, I need some good Truth or Dare questions for an upcoming chapter, if anyone would like to give me some ideas… Heh.****


	4. Professor Luna Dayna Morgana Bell

Thank you to anyone who's reviewed so far! Lol Not that many, but I appreciate it anyway. So yeah, chapter 4 is here, and it's just…well, it's a plot advancement. Nothing really special about it EXCEPT for the fact that we introduce a new character (or three actually) into the story. And we see what's going on with other characters that haven't really been mentioned for a while. And there's the development of a semi-obvious subplot you will find out more about later. Yeah. Enjoy.

By the way, thanks you guys for the Truth or Dare suggestions. Very funny! They will be used very soon. And I would also like to thank maggiefic.com's Mary Sue maker for the idea of Ms. Luna. Thank you! (no SilverPhoenix25, I'm not QUITE ripping you off…)

* * *

**Chapter 4: Professor Luna Dayna Morgana Bell**

****

****

_Somewhere out in the Forbidden Forest…_

"Foaly, are you done yet?" growled Commander Julius Root. He leaned against the wreckage of the first-class LEP shuttle. The centaur leaned up from front, where he was repairing the engine.

"Yeah, Julius, just look how fixed and ready to fly this looks," Foaly replied sarcastically. He rolled his eyes and went back to his work.

"How many times have I told you not to call me…" Root snapped. But he stopped, because there was a rustling of leaves far off to the left.

"What was that?" he asked Foaly, as if he really would have known.

"It's probably the wind, _sir_," said Foaly, not even bothering to look up.

Root lit one of his signature fungus cigars. He was a little shaky out there in the dark forest.

"All right, Foaly," said Root. "Nothing better happen out here, or it's your head."

"Excuse me, was it me who crashed this shuttle?"

"No, but you're fixing it, and if you're not fast enough, something _may_ happen. So get back to work."

Foaly sighed.

"Whatever Julius…"

_Meanwhile back at camp… I mean Hogwarts…_

The large group of confused fictional characters and the handful of real people among them made their way into the Great Hall. The crowded hall fell silent. The students had never seen a sight like this before. They watched as the strange people lined up in front of the high table, behind the three or four-legged stool (depending on which Harry Potter book you get your information from) that held the famed Sorting Hat. Dumbledore stood up and addressed the students.

"My wonderful students of Hogwarts, I would like you to welcome these, ah, _exchange students_ to our school this year. I would explain to you why they are here, but I am cryptic and would not wish to ruin the suspense of the story. So, therefore, it will not be revealed until the end, or somewhere around one of the last chapters." He sat down, content with his explanation.

But not everybody was.

"Wait aren't some of them a little _old_ to be in Hogwarts, Professor?" some Hufflepuff student asked.

"Yeah, I mean geez, that one guy's 7 feet tall," agreed another student, pointing at Butler. Butler winced. Saint Dane laughed to himself.

"Quiet!" shouted Professor McGonagall. Everyone obeyed

"Oh, you four gentleman can take your seat at the Gryffindor table," she nodded to James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. "Since, you have already been sorted, kind of…" So they did.

Everyone else stood where they were. Professor McGonagall cleared her throat.

"All right," she said loudly. "We will now sort our new students." She took out a short roll of parchment. "Ela!" She called out.

Ela stepped up to the battered, torn Sorting Hat and put it on her head. It slipped over her eyes, cutting off her view of the Great Hall. Suddenly it bellowed, "GRYFFINDOR!"

"That was my ear!" hissed Ela to the Hat. She stood up, rushing off to the Gryffindor table, to scattered applause. She found a seat between a girl with short brown hair and another with long mousy brown hair.

"Manga!" called out Professor McGonagall.

Manga went up to the Sorting Hat, slipping it on as well.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The Gryffindor table clapped, and Ela started cheering like a crazy person. Well, not _like_ one; she _was_ one, but I'm using the analogy to convey a picture to the readers. You know how it is.

McGonagall went down the list.

"Aragorn!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Gandalf!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Gimli!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Legolas!"

Legolas did not step up to the Sorting Hat. He wasn't there.

"Legolas?"

Still no Leggy.

"Oh whatever…"

Soon, the hobbits were all sorted into Gryffindor, as well as Bobby Pendragon.

"Saint Dane!" called McGonagall.

The Sorting Hat waited for a moment. "SLYTH---" The author randomly appeared and glared at the Hat. "I mean, GRYFFINDOR!"

Next up was Artemis Fowl. He shot the dirty old Sorting Hat a look of utter disdain. Butler rushed up and put it on Artemis' head. Heaven forbid little mister rich boy would have to TOUCH that disgusting old relic…

"RAVEN---" started the Hat. Then it stopped. "GRYFFINDOR!" it shouted.

"Butler, Domovoi!"

Butler stepped up to the Hat. Rather than being too large, as it was on most people, it was way too small. Artemis' giant manservant balanced the talking Hat on his head.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

McGonagall stared at the next name on her list. She squinted and read out slowly, "FaNgrL04…?"

"OMG lik tat's meh!" screamed FaNgrL04. "OMG WTF OMG LOL I CNT WATE 2 GIT SRTD!"

The irritating fangirl put the Hat on.

"HUFFLE---DOR!" it yelled. "Yeah, um, GRYFFINDOR!"

Soon, the whole group of "exchange students" was sorted into Gryffindor. Another random faceless student yelled a comment.

"Wow, what an amazing lack of variety…"

When everyone was seated, Dumbledore stood up again. "Eat," he said simply.

Food appeared on everyone's plates. A whole bunch of first years "OOOOOOOOOOHHH!"-ed, but the happiest people in the hall were the four hobbits.

"Holy mother of arse!" exclaimed Pippin. "Look at all the food!"

"I know!" exclaimed Merry, his eyes as wide as the golden plates before him.

Harry Potter, who was sitting near the hobbits along with Ron and Hermione stared at them.

"Ick," he said.

"I know," said Hermione, appalled, watching the hobbits stuff their faces. "That's disgusting."

"Wot?" asked Ron with his mouth crammed full of food. Hermione rolled her eyes and shuddered.

Over by Ela and Manga, non-food-related conversations were taking place. Ela and Manga were talking to the two girls sitting next to them, as well as Sirius, Remus, Peter, and James. The girl with the long hair, whose name turned out to be Rachel, was telling Manga about the school.

"Oh we have tons of secret passages and stuff," Rachel said. "In fact, there's one right outside the common room that leads to the library…"

Ela and the other girl, Glassy, were talking to the four boys from Hogwarts' past.

"So, how did you get here?" asked Ela, sipping from her goblet of pumpkin juice, which actually tasted nothing like pumpkins.

"Well, we were going to tell you before the room randomly broke out in song," said Remus.

"Yeah, anyway," said Sirius, "we were taking one of our secret passages to Hogsmeade when suddenly we came out back in the halls of the school."

James jumped in. "We thought we had just taken a wrong turn, but then we saw Professor McGonagall. And she was like 20 years older than she should have been!"

"Yep," said Peter. "Apparently we ended up in the future…"

"Wow, it's like a time warp," said Glassy in awe, not knowing what she was about to start.

Ela stood up and started singing.

"I REMEMBER, DOIN' THE TIME WA…whoa!"

Manga pulled Ela back down to the table.

"Don't even start…"

Suddenly, for no reason at all, all the lights went out. Loud screams erupted from the room as purple lightning streaked across the ceiling. Then a bright beam of violet light came down from the imitation sky in the hall and hit the middle of the floor. It grew wider and brighter until finally, with a blinding flash, it disappeared. The lights came back on, though they were dimmer than normal. Where the purple beam of light had been, there stood a woman.

She was young, maybe in her early 20's. She was wearing low-cut lavender robes and a strange gold necklace. Her long, copper hair fell to her waist, and her bright violet eyes cut through the room. She was extremely beautiful, with cherry red lips and rosy pink cheeks. Every eye in the Hall was on her. Every male eye, that is…

The hobbits dropped all of their food and stared. Aragorn, Gandalf, and Gimli froze. Bobby Pendragon was drooling. Saint Dane raised his eyebrow in a devilish way. Artemis steepled his fingers. Butler did nothing. Harry and Ron gawked with their mouths open. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter stood up to get a better look. Ela, Manga, and just about every other girl in the room glared at her. There was something wrong with this mystery girl…

This strange woman slinked up the isle between the tables like an angelic temptress, if there can be such a thing, ignoring the hopeful stares of the guys, and the hateful stares of the girls. Everyone watched in total silence as she joined the High Table. Professor Dumbledore rose up for the third time and announced:

"This is Professor Luna Dayna Morgana Bell, our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

The silence of the Great Hall cracked as a huge cheer of predominantly male voices greeted Luna. She smiled innocently and looked down.

"Now, get back to the feast," said Dumbledore, waving. The candles flashed and became bright again. The sounds of conversation returned, though half of it was excited and the other half disapproving.

"She's…so hot…" mumbled Sirius.

"I don't trust her," declared Ela, darkly, her green eyes narrowed.

"Me neither," agreed Rachel.

Manga and Glassy also nodded.

"Bet she's part Veela," said Glassy.

"I'm sure," Manga replied.

Everyone continued with the feast, unknowing of what was happening below them at that very moment. For underground, near the first year students' boats, the tiny, wrinkled Gollum climbed out of the water and shook himself dry.

"I will find my preciousssssss…" he hissed, crawling towards the stone steps leading to the castle.

* * *

Muahahaha! Semi-cliff hanger! Don't worry (she said to the empty room) I will write more later. Please review (if you don't have a death wish)!


	5. Truth or Dare?

**Ron:** Ummm…Hermione, why are we here?

**Hermione:** Ron, do you never listen to anything? Oh my GOSH!

**Ron:** Well, Hermione, sorry I'm not a know-it-all like you!

**Hermione:** HOW DARE YOU! You'd better listen to me, I will NOT tolerate…

**Harry:** While these two are flirting, I'd like to make an announcement. Ela Dis-Enchanted is not here right now. She has been temporarily committed. However, along with her friend Manga, she is plotting to escape from the mental hospital and should be back for the next chapter.

**Hermione:** However, since she isn't here, we find it OUR duty to post the relatively long chapter number five for your enjoyment.

**Ron:** The best chapter yet. Because I'm in it.

**Hermione:** Ron you were in chapter two and four also!

**Ron:** So? I know everybody's waiting to see more of me.

**Hermione:** Ron, you are hopeless.

**Ron:** I resent that!

**Hermione:** Ron, you're just a no-brained, annoying, jealous, superficial…

**Harry:** Oh, the author left a note as well. It says "The Lightning will kick Calgary's arses tonight because Tampa PWNS! (watch it on ABC at 8 PM EST TONIGHT 6/7/04)"

**Ron:** Yeah, go Lightning! Wait, are they a quidditch team?

**Hermione:** No, you idiot, they're an American hockey team…

**Ron:** Oh, you think you're so smart?

**Hermione:** Yeah, smarter than YOU!

**Harry:** Right, enjoy the story! And duck and cover!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Truth… or Dare?**

Eventually the feast had to end (much to the hobbits' disappointment). People started getting up and going to their common rooms. But before any of the "new" people could leave, Professor McGonagall pulled them aside. She looked both angry and spiteful at the same time.

"Well, I guess you're all in my house now," she said sourly. "Please follow the Gryffindor prefects back to your common room where they will tell you the password." McGonagall pointed to Hermione and Ron. Harry shuffled around behind them, trying to look as if he had a reason to be there. Poor non-prefect Harry…

McGonagall continued, "You will receive your class schedules tomorrow morning at breakfast. You will all be put in sixth year to make it easier on the author and the rest of us. Now, if you do something good, you will earn Gryffindor house points. However, if you do something _bad_, you will lose us points…"

Artemis, Saint Dane, and Mulch Diggums all twitched involuntarily.

"If we get more points than of all the other houses, we win the house cup. Now, tomorrow, I suggest you all get to your classes on time, and perform to the best of your abilities," she finished. She turned to leave, but suddenly Ela piped up.

"Um, Professor, how can we even do magic in these classes without wands?"

McGonagall looked backwards at Ela. "Everyone's books, uniforms, and wands have been supplied for them. You will find them in the dormitories. Now, off to your common room."

Hermione stepped up to the group. "Please follow me," she said professionally. She stalked off towards the double doors leading out of the Great Hall. Everyone trailed behind her as she led them all the way up to Gryffindor tower. Ron, trying to look as if he were at least a bit responsible, turned to the group.

"Okay, I will now demonstrate how to open the portrait hole…"

"We know how already," Manga said. "We've read the books."

"YAH JUS TEL US THE PAZWURD OMG LOL WTF!!!!111!1!1111!!" said FaNgrL04.

"The password," said Hermione. "Right." She turned to the painting of a fat lady in a pink dress. "_Antidisestablishmentarianism_."

"Yeah, yeah," muttered the fat lady and the portrait swung open. They followed Hermione and Ron through the passage that led into the Gryffindor common room.

"Whoa, this is a house?" asked Bobby skeptically. "It just looks like a big room."

Holly swatted his arm. "You ask too many questions, Mud Boy."

"Hey I thought I was Mud Boy, " whined Artemis, hurt that Holly would give someone else his faintly insulting but underlyingly loving nickname.

"Uh, yeah." She cleared her throat. "I mean Mud... Traveler."

An awkward silence filled the room until Ron took the initiative to speak.

"Um, you see those two staircases?" he asked pointing to the spiral stairs on either side of the room.

"Hmmm, do you _think_ we see them?" asked Merry sarcastically.

"No, I just randomly went blind," said James. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Hermione sighed.

"Those staircases lead to the dormitories. Boys… and _men_… on the left. Girls on the right." Hermione pointed at each to clarify it to any wiseasses that may have wanted to make another stupid joke out of it.

"Awwww, but I'm skeeeeeeeeeered of big winding staircases. I might fall!" exclaimed Frodo. Again, with the big blue eyes.

"Don't worry, master Frodo, I'll carry you," said Sam, selflessly.

"Oh no, the hobbit's scared again," said Mulch. "You guys are just weird little freaky things that use your big scary eyes to get your way."

"Oh yeah and what are you?" asked Aragorn.

"A dwarf," said Mulch proudly.

"No, I'm a dwarf!" said Gimli. "I'm not a disgusting little gnome thing like you."

"Can we stop the species bashing, please?" asked Gandalf.

"Oh now the wizard's getting into this," Saint Dane laughed. "Amusing old man."

"Oh yeah, then what the hell are you?" screamed Bobby. "You're a demonic shape-shifter! That's not normal, man!"

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" shouted Ela. "This is getting annoying!" So they did.

Hermione spoke again.

"Now please, find your dormitories," she said quickly, then ran off before anything else could happen. Ron followed. Harry ran behind him, not wanting to be left out.

Ela, Manga, Holly, and FaNgrL04 went up the right staircase. All the guys went up the left one.

* * *

Up in the girls' dormitories, Ela and Manga found Glassy and Rachel. They were staying in the same dormitory, along with another girl named Samara, who spent an abnormally large amount of her time in the lake. Holly and FaNgrL04 were put with Hermione, Ginny Weasley, and Natalie McDonald, a random girl nobody even knew that much about because the author just pulled her out of the fourth book, not able to think of another name.

Ela took a four-poster bed next to the window. Manga got the one right next to it. Glassy's was on the other side, followed by Rachel's. Samara's bed was on the far left side of the room. At the foot of her bed, Ela found a trunk full of her stuff. She pulled out a wand that had a slightly greenish tinge to it. It had a tag tied to the handle.

"Ollivander's," read Ela. She flipped over the tag. "Maple, unicorn hair core, 11 ½ inches. Flexible. Cool. What wand did you get, Manga?"

Manga pulled out a reddish-brown wand. "Oak, phoenix feather core, 9 inches. Springy."

"Hmmm," said Ela. "I'm going to test it. _Lumos_!"

Instantly a beam of light shot out of her wand. Manga tried it too. It worked.

"Fun!" they exclaimed.

Suddenly Ela and Manga heard screaming out in the hall. They ran to the door and threw it open. Holly's face was red and she was yelling at the top of her lungs.

"I AM NOT SLEEPING IN THE SAME ROOM AS THAT… THING!!!" She pointed to FaNgrL04, who stood in the door of the dormitory laughing.

"OMG WTF OMG LMAO WTF R U YELLIN 4?"

"I'M YELLING BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING CHATSPEAKER WHO I WOULD GLADLY KILL IF YOU DID NOT SERVE AN IMPORTANT PURPOSE IN THE STORY LATER ON!!!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Manga. "Please yell a bit louder, I don't think the people on Mars can hear you…"

Ela pulled Holly aside. "Don't worry," she whispered. "You know how many other people want to kill her. I don't think she'll be around that much longer, if you know what I mean."

Holly smiled. "Okay, I'll tolerate her a _little_ longer…"

"Good. Now let's go back down to the common room and see what's going on there."

* * *

"I AM NOT SLEEPING IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HIM, OR HER, DEPENDING ON WHERE HE IS!!!" Bobby yelled.

"What?" asked Peter Pettigrew, confused, as he walked past.

"I told you, he's a shape-shifter," said Bobby. "I've seen him as a woman before, and he flirted with me! That's disturbing and I'm not going sleep in that dormitory if he's there too!"

"No, I mean, who on Earth are you talking about?" asked Peter.

"First, Second, or Third Earth?"

Peter just shook his head and walked away.

The guys were grouped into dormintories. Bobby, Saint Dane, Artemis, Butler, and Aragorn were in one. All of the hobbits and Gandalf got the next room. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter got a room to themselves, though Legolas' bed was reserved in their room, too. Mulch Diggums got stuck with a bunch of first years. Once they found their dormitories and their stuff, they headed back towards the common room.

* * *

"Wait a minute," said Ela, down in the common room with everyone else (including Glassy and Rachel). "Aren't we supposed to be in bed now?"

"Nah," said Remus. "We sneak up all the time."

Just then, Hermione, Ron, and tag-along wannabe prefect Harry came down the stairs.

"Lights out," commanded Hermione. "It's time to go to your dormitories."

"Oh come on," said Ron. "This looks like fun. Maybe we can do something interesting…" Ron got an evil smile on his face.

"Like what?" inquired Harry.

"Like truth or dare," said Ron with shifty eyes. He pointed at Ela. "YOU!"

"What?" asked Ela.

"Truth… or _Dare_…?"

* * *

**Harry:** Oh no, another semi-cliffhanger!

**Ron:** I hate those.

**Hermione:** Well, _I_ like them. They create a sense of suspense, which makes a story more exciting and fun to read.

**Ron:** Oh shut up.

**Hermione:** Ron…

**Harry:** RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! And review while you're at it… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


	6. Bobetta

ED-E is back!!! I escaped! Thank you Manga, by the way, for the fork and the index card. Without them, I would still be in the Southside Mental Institution… Oh yes, and thank you to our fictional friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione for posting chapter five. I'm sure you're all happy that Tampa won the Stanley Cup, eh? Of course you are…

Now, chapter six, forgive me Manga please, will be riddled with some of my new _favorite songs_… But also everyone will be playing truth or dare, which can never be a good thing at Hogwarts… hehehe. Please, Spunks the Wacked Out Spaz, if you read this, don't murder me. I'm not _really_ ripping you off either… totally. =) But I must warn you, chapter six is the longest chapter yet. In word it's about 6 pages. Have fun! And review, or else…

* * *

**Chapter 6: Bobetta**

Ela shrugged. "Ummm, dare. Yeah. Dare. I'm not a wimp."

"Okay," Ron said, still with an evilish grin on his face. "I dare you to…" He rubbed his chin. "I dare you eat a sardine flavored Bertie Bott's bean!"

"Okaaaaay…" said Ela. Ron took a box of the beans out of his pocket and dug out a white speckled jellybean. Ela took it and swallowed it.

"Oh my god…" Ela said, putting her hand to her throat. She gagged a couple times and coughed. "That is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted."

She looked around the common room with narrowed eyes. Artemis Fowl was sitting in a red armchair directly across from her. She smiled with one side of her mouth.

"Truth or dare, Slappy?"

Artemis looked surprised. He thought for a moment. "Truth."

"CHICKEN!" yelled Manga. "Everyone knows you're supposed to pick dare the first time!"

"That's okay," said Ela. "I have a perfect truth… Arty, who do you… _like_?"

Everybody gasped. What an unthinkable personal question… This was going to be good.

Artemis' eyes flickered. "No one," he said firmly.

"Yeah sure," said Rachel, with a hint of sarcasm.

Artemis acted quickly before anybody else could dispute his answer. He scanned the room for potential victims. He thought of choosing one of the girls, but that might make him look kind of stupid. So he turned to the rest of the guys. He found the perfect person to pick on.

"Pendragon! Truth or dare?" asked Artemis.

"Er," Bobby looked at Manga, remembering her words. "Okay, dare."

"All right, Bobby," started Artemis with a smile. "I dare you to…"

Before Artemis could finish his dare, someone came in through the door. All 21 people turned to look. But who should come in except…

"Leggy!" shouted Manga.

"Legolas, where were you?" asked Aragorn.

"Later, Aragorn," Legolas said quietly. No more questions were asked as he took a seat on a couch behind the hobbits. Manga's eyes seemed glued to him.

Artemis cleared his throat. "Okay then, Pendragon, I dare you to set your head on fire!"

"Dude, that's dumb…" said Mulch.

Artemis glared. "It is not dumb, for I have the highest tested IQ in Europe!"

"Yeah, well let's talk to Marilyn Vos Savant, the woman with the highest IQ in the _world_. I'm sure she'd think it was pretty stupid," said Ela.

"Fine!" yelled Artemis, who loathed being insulted. "I dare you to kill David Letterman!"

"Why?" asked Bobby, as usual, confused.

Artemis glared harder than anyone there had ever seen anybody do. "Butler, give me your gun. I'm going to shoot him!"

"Actually, I have a suggestion, Master Artemis." Butler leaned down and whispered something to Artemis. Artemis smiled evilly again, in as almost a scary way as Ron.

"All right, Bobby, I dare you to spend five minutes locked in a room with…"

Bobby winced and looked at Saint Dane, fearing the worst. But that wasn't whom Artemis chose. No, he chose the only person worse than Bobby's twisted evil nemesis…

"HER!" Artemis pointed to FaNgrL04 dramatically, standing up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bobby wailed. "Oh please no! Have mercy on me!"

Butler dragged him upstairs into one of the dormitories, FaNgrL04 following.

"OMG WTF LOL WTF LMAO ROTFL TIS IS GUNNA B SUUUU FUN!"

As everyone watched in horror as Bobby was dragged off, with "I'm-glad-I'm-not-you" looks on their faces, Ela stood up and started to sing again.

"Whatever happened to Saturday NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT? "

Manga gave her a dark look. More Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not good. But Ela ignored her. "Come on, you all know the words… don't you?"

"I do," said Rachel. She joined in.

"When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright!"

"It don't seem the same since cosmic light," sang Glassy.

"Came into my life, I thought I was divi-ine!" continued Ela.

Just then, a sharp scream came from the dormitory upstairs. Then there was a few banging and scraping sounds and a loud rip, followed by a big THUNK. The room went deadly silent. All eyes were on the ceiling.

"HOT PATOOTIE, BLESS MY SOUL!" sang Ela loudly, startling everyone. "I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK 'N ROLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

Suddenly everyone else, except Manga, who was silently fuming, joined in the chorus.

"Hot patootie, bless my sooooooooooooul, I really love that rock n' rolllllllllllllllllll!"

"Where did all that come from?" asked Legolas when the singing stopped.

"No idea," replied Holly casually.

"Okay, back to the game," said Sam, eagerly.

"No, we have to wait for Bobby," said Manga. "It's his turn."

"Speaking of him, it must have been five minutes by now," said Aragorn.

"Okay, let's go bring him down," said Ela.

The entire group of people noisily clamored up the spiraling stairs to the boys' dormitories. Butler took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the first door on the right. He slowly pushed open the door and stepped back. He gasped. Everyone else moved in to look closer. They gasped too.

Inside the room Bobby was on the floor, missing a few articles of clothing, with scratches and bruises on his arms and face. But he seemed to be alive. Mostly. FaNgrL04 was right next to him playing with the tie she had stolen from his uniform.

"OMG I KIN TAK ALL UR CLOSE N SEL TEM ON EBAY!!!! OMG LOL WTF OMG!!!!11!11!1!!!11" she said.

Bobby looked up and blinked. He saw the open door. He jumped up and sprinted out into the corridor with a speed to rival that of an Olympic runner and was on top of Artemis before anyone knew what was going on. Bobby punched the rich Irish kid with all of his might. Butler then realized he wasn't doing his job, so he struggled to pull the insane Traveler off his Principal. He actually struggled. Bobby wasn't giving up. As soon as he was thrown off Artemis, he jumped back on top of him and continued his attack.

"You stupid little freak! I will murder you with my BARE HANDS!!!!!" yelled Bobby.

This time someone had to step in. The strongest of the group, Butler, Saint Dane, and Aragorn restrained Bobby. Ela and Manga picked up Artemis and supported him on their shoulders. Everyone else ran into the dormitory and collected the scraps of clothing on the floor and wiped up the small flecks of blood on the wall. Legolas kept FaNgrL04 in check, so she couldn't get to anyone else. Bad mistake. She was on Legolas like bees on honey.

"OMG ITS LEGGY!!!!!!1 I LUV U!!!!!!!!1111!1!11111!!!!" she screamed, throwing him to the floor and jumping on top of him.

Hermione sighed, exasperated, took out her wand, and said, "_Petrificus Totalus_!" FaNgrL04 was finally incapacitated. Legolas scrambled out of the room.

"That girl is nuts," Legolas said, shaking his head.

"Legolas, come here," said Aragorn, holding on to the wriggling Bobby. "Use some of your Elf magic on Pendragon to calm him down!" Bobby was yelling at the top of his lungs, attempting to get back to beating on Artemis.

"What magic?" asked Legolas, innocently. He flipped his hair over one shoulder. "My only power is to sell movies while looking incredibly sexy." He caught sideways glances from a few of the girls.

Butler rolled his eyes. "Elf-boy, just help us out!"

"I'm busy," said Legolas haughtily, pulling a mirror out of his pocket, checking his makeup.

Aragorn looked over to Saint Dane. "Don't you Traveler people have mind powers to calm people down?"

"That's just to persuade them to do something," he said, stiffly holding Bobby back by the arm. "And it's hard to work on another Traveler. But I'll try."

Saint Dane let go of Bobby and stepped in front of him. He kneeled down and grabbed his rival's shoulders. Saint Dane gazed deeply into his eyes.

"Okay, Pendragon, look into my ridiculously piercing blue eyes," he said softly. "Stop fighting… Calm down."

Bobby just tensed up and started fighting harder.

"Get awaaaaaaaaay!" he screamed. "Let go of me!"

"Nope, sorry," said Saint Dane, relinquishing his grip on Bobby. "I think I just frighten the poor boy," he added with demonic pleasure. Or pride. Or both.

"Granger!" called Butler, starting to shake. "Calm this kid down!"

Hermione ran over and performed the Petrificus hex on Bobby. His arms and legs went stiff, and the three guys holding him let go. Bobby fell to the ground like a piece of wood. Butler wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"That little guy has a lot of fight in him, I'll give him that," he said panting.

Hermione looked at the giant manservant, seeing how shaken he was. She thought for a moment and looked back at Bobby.

"I'm going to make a Tranquility Draught to keep him quiet," Hermione declared. "They're pretty easy to prepare. I'll be back in a few minutes." She ran down to the common room and up to the girls' dormitories to get her supplies.

Near the stairs, Ela was gently cleaning the blood off Artemis's face. She put a band-aid on a cut across his cheek.

"You have to be careful what you dare people," she said, shaking her head. "Or they'll freak out and try to kill you."

"Man, Pendragon got you good for that…" Manga laughed.

Artemis sat up with his face in his hands. Ela held him up with her arm.

"God, though, I didn't know he'd be _that_ mad…"

"Yeah, well that Bobby can be a nutter sometimes," replied Holly who placed her hand on Artemis' face. Blue sparks flowed from her fingers to his scratches and bruises. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to heal _him_, too." She stood up and jogged towards Bobby's stiff immobile body.

"You gonna be okay?" asked Ela, seriously.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Artemis answered. He stood up shakily and leaned against the wall. Ela and Manga nodded and went over to see Bobby.

Bobby was still on the floor, staring straight ahead into space. Saint Dane was looking at him with a smile.

"I think I like him this way," he said. "Maybe he has a future as a living statue."

Hermione quickly ran back up the stairs holding a flask. It was glowing, no pulsating, with a bright green color. Hermione pushed through the crowd around Bobby and knelt down by his head. With some help from Peter and Remus, she poured a little of the potion at a time down Bobby's throat until the flask was empty.

"I think that should do the trick," said Hermione confidently. "But stand back, just in case it didn't work."

Everyone shuffled back about ten feet, and Artemis hid behind Butler. Hermione stood up and pointed her wand at Bobby.

"_Ennervate_!" she said, and Bobby immediately rose to his knees. He rubbed his eyes and looked around.

"What in the blue feck…" he mumbled. He stood up and started surveying his clothes.

"Hermione, that WAS a Tranquility Draught right?" asked Ron, staring at Bobby oddly. "I mean you made it right and everything? You didn't accidentally make the wrong thing?"

Hermione nodded. She pulled a book out of her robes and flipped through it.

"I'm pretty sure I did it right," she muttered. She found a page and read off of it. "Yes, 4 sliced puffkin skins, 10 crushed…"

"Hermione," said Merry, who was peeking at the book beside her. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that page says Tranquility Draught…"

Hermione looked at it and gasped in horror. She turned the book towards everyone else. There was another group gasp and then a few chuckles. Manga read aloud:

"Transexuality Draught!"

"Do these robes make my butt look big?" asked Bobby with a slight lisp, as if on cue.

The guys broke out in hysterical laughter, especially Artemis. Bobby looked at them with innocent eyes and went over to the girls.

"Are they always such jerks?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Glassy.

"Real jerks," added Rachel with a chuckle.

Hermione bit her lip to stop from laughing.

"Well, I don't know how to counter the potion, but the book says it should wear off by morning," she told them.

It was just then that everyone realized that Bobby was missing. Because Legolas, the observant Elf, piped up.

"Where's Bobby?" he asked.

Nobody knew.

Suddenly Bobby ran back up the stairs. Something was different about him. He still had on a uniform but…

"He's wearing a skirt!" shouted Frodo from the back

"Thank you Captain Obvious," said Harry and James simultaneously. They looked at each other and Harry started crying.

"Daddy!" Harry ran over and hugged James.

"Yeah, yeah," said James, patting Harry's back awkwardly.

"Dude, that's just wrong," said Peter, looking at Bobby.

Sirius laughed. "Duuuude looks like a lay-day!"

Bobby scoffed at Sirius. "Funny how someone so slashy would say that to me."

"Slashy?" asked Sirius, bewildered. "What do you mean…?"

"I've seen the way you look at dear Remus," said Bobby playfully. "Don't pretend like it's not obvious."

Two of the members of MWPP blushed silently as Bobby turned to everyone else.

"Anyone else got a problem with me? Boys?" Bobby raised his eyebrows.

"It's still pretty wrong," said Gandalf.

"Well," said Bobby. "Don't get strung up…"

"Oh no," moaned Manga.

"…by the way I look," Bobby sang. "Don't judge a book by its cove-e-er. I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one HELL of a lover."

"Bad images," groaned Ron.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite," continued Bobby. "From transexual Transylvania! Huh-hah!"

"Okay, the Rocky Horror Picture Show stuff is getting really old, really fast!" shouted Manga. "No more of it! Dammit!"

"Janet…" whispered Ela.

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

Back in the common room, when things finally settled down, they resumed their game of Truth or Dare. It was now Bobby's turn to torture someone. He settled on Hermione.

"Truth or dare, Hermione?" Bobby asked.

"Um, dare," she replied. She wasn't chicken either.

"I dare you to kiss ARAGORN!"

Aragorn winced. It wasn't that he didn't like Hermione, it's just that… well, he didn't like Hermione. He swiftly tried to think of an excuse to get out of it.

"Um, you know I think we should go to bed instead," Aragorn said quickly.

Hermione gasped. "You freak!" She slapped him across the face.

"OW! What was…" Aragorn thought about what he said. "Oh my gosh! I didn't mean YOU and ME! I meant the group… as a collective whole!"

Hermione slapped him again. "EVEN WORSE!" She stormed up into the girls' dormitories.

"I didn't mean that!" said Aragorn earnestly, rubbing his face.

"We know," replied Ela. "And you have a point. It's late. We should all go to bed."

Everyone apparently agreed. So they separated and climbed the stairs to their rooms, for their first night at Hogwarts.

* * *

Sorry it was so long! There was just stuff I had to put in there! Anyway, I don't know when chapter seven will be up, but I'm working on it. Review! Please!


	7. Lockhart the Sequel

Lucky charms, they're more than good, they're magically GRRRRRRREAT… and delicious… What? I'm singing about cereal. Why am I singing about processed, wheat based, sugar coated, breakfast food? My gosh, what is the world coming to? Well, I suppose in a world with TV shows about people eating bugs, where something like Avril Lavigne can be called a punk, and almost all people use small portable communication devices that actually decrease protein production in their brain drastically, threatening their lives and STILL go over on minutes, cereal songs aren't quite so unusual. And look, I've been so busy rambling, I haven't even threatened to hit you with a blunt object if you don't read and review my story. That will just have to be remedied, won't it?

Welcome to chapter seven, the first chapter so far that takes place on day two! And also, it also takes the place of chapter six as the longest chapter in this story. I know it's been a bit rambly and long with day one, but once things get started… Well, hell, I'm not even entirely sure what's going to happen. Just read it and see! =D And review. Or I will hit you with a blunt object.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Lockhart the Sequel**

"Haha, she'll never find it there!"

"Too true!"

Ela woke up to the noise of giggling form her friends in the dormitory. The clock on her bedside table said it was 6:30 in the morning. She looked to the middle of the room where Manga, Glassy, and Rachel were sitting, laughing.

"What are you doing?" Ela asked groggily.

Manga looked up at her and laughed.

"We hid Samara's VCR. Now she can't make creepy video tapes and kill people."

"Wait," said Ela. "VCR? I thought electronics don't work at Hogwarts…"

Hermione burst into the room, unexpectedly.

"They don't. It says so in _Hogwarts, a History_. On page 4,782 to be exact. Paragraph six. In fact, the exact quote is, 'Due to the high amount of…'" Manga pushed her out of the door and slammed in shut, making sure to lock it.

"She always does that," said Rachel. "Say anything about anything and she knows everything about it. And she makes sure you know that she knows everything about anything you say. It's quite annoying."

"Right," Ela nodded. "But where did you hide the VCR?"

"Well, Samara's in the lake right now," said Glassy. "So we took it and we had Artemis dismantle it. Then we hid the pieces in several places, including the boys' dormitories, Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, and the kitchens."

"And you had time to sleep, _when_?"

"We didn't," said Rachel. "We were too hyper."

Ela threw her pillow at Rachel, who promptly ducked. The pillow hit Samara's bedside table and knocked some unlabeled VHS tapes to the ground, which broke into several pieces. Samara swiftly entered the room from the window and swooped to her nightstand like a ghost.

"Everyone will suffer," she hissed, and jumped into her bed, pulling the covers over her head.

"What did you do that for?" whispered Rachel.

"You said 'We were too hyper,'" replied Ela calmly. "I despise that word. You are not hyper. Hyper is only an illusion."

"Riiiiiiiiight," said Rachel.

* * *

"Hey-ho to the bottle I go, to heal my heart and drown my soul!" sang the hobbits, jumping on their beds. "Rain may fall and wind may blow but still there beeeeeeeeeeee many miles to go!"

"Shut up!" came a very pissed off sounding voice from the next room. "You've been singing all night! Shut UP!"

"NO!" yelled Pippin, and they kept singing.

"Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain and the stream that falls from hill to plain! But better than rain or rippling brook…"

The door was flung open and Saint Dane entered the room in a black silk robe. He held a dangerous looking gun on the hobbits. Butler entered right behind him with his trusted Sig Sauer, an interesting sight in a terrycloth dressing gown.

"I told you to shut up," said Saint Dane through clenched teeth. "Now die you deformed elves!"

"Hobbits."

"Whatever!"

"You know, guns aren't the answer for everything," said Gandalf.

"Says who?" snarled Saint Dane. "Anyone who disturbs my sleep deserves to die!"

"Yes, Artemis was complaining all night," agreed Butler.

Legolas came down the corridor and joined the group in the dormitory. He had pink curlers in his hair and had a green mud mask on, holding cucumber slices in his hand that had previously rested on his eyes. He wore pink pajamas with little white bunnies on them. Believe me, heads turned.

"What is all this noise about?" Legolas asked, irritated. "You're interrupting my beauty sleep! Jerks!" He smacked both Butler and Saint Dane on the arms. They turned to him with their guns, which he apparently hadn't seen before.

"You wanna say that again?" asked Butler.

"No."

"Didn't think so," Saint Dane laughed. He turned to the hobbits. "Next time, watch your backs. I _will_ return."

* * *

"Nothing like a goblet of fresh orange juice in the morning to wake you up," said Ela fondly at breakfast, pouring some of her favorite drink from a pitcher. "At least there are some things here that are familiar."

"Yeah," said Manga, eating her cereal. "I know just what you mean."

Ela and Manga were sitting by Ron, Hermione, and Harry this time. The hobbits sat nearby (again eating like, well, hobbits), with Aragorn and Legolas. Gimli sat with Gandalf at the far end of the table. Saint Dane, Butler, Artemis, Holly, Mulch, and Bobby sat about midway down near Glassy and Rachel. Nobody seemed to want to sit next to FaNgrL04.

Suddenly the windows near the ceiling opened and hundreds of owls flooded in. Tough owls, sissy owls, owls that climb on rocks… Anyway, the owls dove to the tables, dropping letters, packages, and newspapers. Students sorted through their mail and happily opened parcels from their families that contained chocolates and sweets and other cool wizard candy thingies. Hermione put a few coins in a pouch tied to the leg of the barn own who had delivered her _Daily Prophet_. Ela did the same with a tawny owl that dropped a magazine on the table in front of her.

"What's that?" Ron asked Ela through the muffin he was eating.

"It's _The Quibbler_," replied Ela. "I took out a subscription last night." She held up the magazine for him to read. Ron looked at the cover.

"Flunky-Snorf spotted in Wales," he read. "What in the name of holy arse…?"

"Exactly," laughed Ela. "They've got so much weird crap in there I…" Ela stopped while Luna Lovegood (not to be confused with Luna Bell who the author thought up the name of MONTHS before the fifth Harry Potter book came out) passed by the Gryffindor table with a bowl of fruit balanced on her head. God knows why.

"Yeah, it's funny to read the insane lies they print," Ela whispered. "It's like _The Weekly World News_."

"The what?" asked Harry.

"Nevermind."

Harry looked down at his schedule for the day. The sixth years' first class was Defense Against the Dark Arts, followed by Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, and Transfiguration. The next day, it was Divination, Charms, Muggle Studies, and Arithmancy (whatever that was). The list went on until the end of the week, covering every possible class in the school, at least, to his knowledge.

"What's up with this?" he asked Hermione. "We never had to take all of these classes before. And plus, I thought because of O.W.L.S. we could drop…"

Hermione held up her hand to silence him.

"Harry, don't be so naïve. It's so the author can create humor in a variety of situations, and poke fun with the subjects and the teachers. Don't you know _anything_?"

"Apparently not," Harry muttered and put his schedule away.

* * *

The sixth year Gryffindors piled into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom about half an hour before the bell rang. Or at least, the guys from Gryffindor did. The girls took their own sweet time getting there. In fact many of them avoided going in until just before the start of class. It seemed none of the girls wanted to be around Professor Bell any longer than absolutely necessary.

Finally, at 9:00 exactly, all of the students were in the room, ready for class to begin. All of the students, but not the Professor.

"Where is Professor Bell?" asked Frodo.

As if to answer his question the room went dark, just like the Great Hall did the night before. A streak of purple lightning issued from the door to Luna's office. From the sparkling streak of violet, a thin figure materialized in front of the desks. Professor Luna Dayna Morgana Bell.

The lights flashed back on, revealing Luna fully. She was wearing baby blue robes (low cut, big surprise) and had her hair tied back in a bun with curled wisps of hair artfully framing her heart shaped face. Straight out of an RPer's fantasy.

The boys in the room gawked at her as she slinked over to the chalkboard. They were mesmerized by her swaying blue robes and copper hair that glistened in the light. The girls, yet again, shook their heads and scoffed silently.

"Show off," muttered Manga, under her breath.

"What was that?" asked Luna sweetly, turning around.

"I said '_Impressive_,'" Manga quickly answered with a slight hint of sarcasm creeping into her voice.

"Ah," said Luna, as if she was not convinced in the least that Manga didn't just insult her. "Thank you."

As Luna turned to write something on the board, Manga turned to Ela and gave her a look that said, "_Dude what's with her_?"

Ela gave her another look, like, "_I dunno man, she's a biznotch_."

Manga nodded. "_True dat_."

"All right class, wands out please," said Luna returning to the front of the class. They eyed her suspiciously. They hadn't had a true practical lesson in a long time. In fact, they hadn't even done any spells in Defense Against the Darks Arts at all last year. Luna smiled.

"Wands out please," she repeated.

The class reluctantly pulled out their wands. Hermione listened intently, as usual, but so did the rest of the class. They wanted to see what this Professor Bell was all about.

"Now," said Luna, beginning to pace, "this year we will be practicing spells to use on attackers. All you have been doing is learning defense so far. Now you really need to know how to keep yourself safe. Because if a dark wizard decides to attack you, defense isn't the only thing you'll need. You!" Luna spun to face the class. She flung out her arm and pointed to someone. It was Neville Longbottom.

"Up here," she commanded.

Neville gulped and slowly stood up. He nervously made his way to the front the room where Luna put her hand on his shoulder.

"Who are you?" she asked the poor shaky Neville.

"I'm a student, ma'am," Neville replied squeakily. Everyone chuckled.

"No, I mean what's your name?"

"Longbottom," said Neville suddenly striking a pose with his hands as if he were holding a gun. "Neville Longbottom."

"Wow, that was cheap humor," commented a random kid from the back of the class. Gotta love those random students.

"Right. Mister Longbottom," started Luna. "Let's say you were alone, maybe, walking down the street." Luna started walking around him. "And let's also say, someone snuck up from behind you. You hear something. You spin to face them, and they have their wand out. Think fast, what spell do you use?"

"Uhhh…"

"Faster, boy, you could be dead!"

"_Flippendo_!"

"No, no, no," Luna scoffed. "Not that lame-ass spell. It only works in the game anyway. Now, let's see if we can get an answer from someone who knows what to do." Everyone raised their hands. Hermione stood up and started "Ooooooooooh"-ing.

"You, tall kid in the back," Luna pointed to Saint Dane.

"Shoot them," he said simply.

"What?"

"You shoot them, they die. Problem solved."

"No," said Luna. "I'm looking for the right _spell_ to use. Come on this is first year stuff!" Hermione was now standing on her chair, screaming.

"Okay, short kid with the shiny gold ring," Luna indicated Frodo.

"Um, you use the ring of power to become invisible?"

"NO!" Luna yelled. "Come ON! I know you guys know this!" Hermione was now on top of the desk, jumping up and down, shooting sparks with her wand.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Hermione. "CHOOSE ME!"

"On the desk, you seem excited. What spell do you use?"

"_EXPELLIARMUS_!" shouted Hermione, completely forgetting that she still had her wand in her hand. A beam of light shot towards Luna and hit her right in the stomach. She fell backwards into her desk. A few giggles from the female students were soon stifled as Luna struggled to get up. Harry and Ron quickly ran to her aide.

"Thank you boys," she said, brushing off her robes. Luna turned to Hermione. "Correct, Miss… er…"

"Granger," said Hermione proudly.

"Yes, Miss Granger. However that was way out of line. 10 points from Gryffindor."

The class gasped and stared at Hermione, who's mouth hung wide open. Losing points for a correct answer? Hermione? That was just… wrong.

"Sit down please Miss Granger," Luna said calmly. "Since you _did_ get the answer right, I shall award you the 10 points back. But be careful next time, please."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Hermione still looked shocked and even a bit upset.

"All right," said Luna. "We know '_Expelliarmus_' is a simple disarming spell. But, what happens if your wand is taken first? What if your enemy disarms _you_? There are a few simple charms you can do without a wand, and this one I am about to teach you will get your wand back so you can perform proper defensive spells. However, this charm is not like the Summoning Charms you learned in fourth year, where you can get anything to come to you. It only works for your wand, and _your_ wand only. There is a special connection between a wizard and their wand, and this charm uses that connection…" She looked to the students. "Now, set down your wands, stand up, and back away from your desks."

Each student placed their wands on the tables (Neville returned to his own seat), and stepped away from the desks. Luna checked to make sure everyone was ready. She placed her own wand on her desk.

"Now, I'm sure you're all familiar with the way you summon a broom to your hand from the ground," she said. The class nodded. "Okay, hold out your hand as if you were doing just that, getting a broom, and say '_Appelus Varita_.' You've got it? Okay, let's say it together…"

The class stretched out their hands.

"_Appelus Varita_!" Luna said in unison with the class. Her wand flew cleanly into her hand. The same happened for a few other students, including Hermione and Remus. Most everyone else's wands just sort of rolled in their general direction. Peter's didn't even move, nor did Ron's, Neville's, or FaNgrL04's. Of course, nobody should suspect magic to work in chatspeak.

"APPLS VERITA!" FaNgrL04 said loudly for the fifth time, becoming frustrated. Ela leaned over to say something.

"It's pronounced like Ah-pel-us Var-ee-tah. Try again."

"OK," said the fangirl. "Appel-us Vah-rita." It didn't work, but Ela was shocked she could actually make normal sounding words.

"Just, keep trying," said Ela encouragingly, then went back to trying to coax her own wand off the desk.

The whole class practiced for the first half hour until everyone finally got the hang of it. Actually most people got it after 10 minutes or so, but Neville and FaNgrL04 were still having trouble. Once they both got the spell to work, Luna returned to the front of the room and addressed the class again.

"Now you all understand the charm," Luna said. "But you must learn how to use it when it really counts. When someone does actually have your wand. I need two volunteers please." All of the boys raised their hands, but a girl's hand wasn't to be seen in the air. Luna scanned the room.

"You," she pointed to Artemis. "Name?"

"Artemis Fowl, Professor," he said.

"Okay, Fowl, up here." Luna picked out another volunteer. "You with the long blonde hair and pointy ears." It was Legolas.

"I am Legolas Greenleaf," he said as he stalked up the aisle to the front. "It is my pleasure to assist you in your teaching." He leaned down and kissed Luna's hand. She looked at him.

"Well, I am very flattered, but you're not teaching. You're practicing." She flashed a flirty smile at him then looked at Artemis. "Fowl, you disarm him," Luna commanded. She turned back to Legolas. 'And you, retrieve your wand." She stepped back. "Ready? Go!"

"_Expelliarmus_!" exclaimed Artemis.

Legolas' wand flew out of his and into Artemis' left hand.

"Hey that hur…" Legolas started indignantly. But he stopped. 'Oh I mean, _Appelus Varita_!"

His wand flew back out of Artemis' hand, but missed it's target and hit Legolas in the forehead, knocking him down.

"Oh no, my perfect face!" he sobbed, rubbing his forehead. "There's gonna be a giant bruise there! WHY ME!?!?!? WHYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?!?" He grabbed his wand and held it at Artemis. "I'll kill you!"

Artemis gulped.

"Not again," he moaned, and ran back to his desk.

Luna shook her head.

"Okay, everyone, just practice the spell with each other," she said dismissively. "I'll take Mister Greenleaf to the hospital wing."

"But it's just a stupid bruise!" said Ron. "Please, stay here. I need… help." He eyed her hopefully.

"Ask Miss Granger for help!" Luna exclaimed, dragging Legolas out into the corridor.

"I still don't like her," Ela seethed.

"Neither do I," said Manga, staring after Legolas.

* * *

Well, I'm too lazy to write any more, so I'll just stop here. Plus the chapter is getting too long! We'll just call it a slightly semi-cliffhanger and continue later. See you in chapter eight! Buh-bai.


	8. Evil Root Babies

* * *

Welcome to chapter eight. The highest numbered chapter yet. Right now I'm playing a game. It's called "Where in Holy Hell is Ela's mechanical pencil?" Yes, it's a very fun game, and I better win within the next few minutes or I think I will kill something. Like my desk. Yeah, God have mercy on my possessions if I cannot find my… Oh here it is! Yay! Now we're all safe from the wrath of Ela… 

So yes. This time I'd like to add some personal messages to the few people who have been kind enough to review me for a while.

**Charles Raymond III:** Thank you so much for reading mah humble little fic. Update the LotR one soon before I explode. Caramel! (grabs your shoulder)

**Glassy:** Heh. I apologize for the odd chapter six. Hope you enjoyed seven! Oh, and I think they have an EEE section on here. You should look into that. Your episode was really good.

**Manga:** HEY HEY HEY! Heh. Don't you worry about your Leggy. He'll be fine. Enough. And I'll tell you this much, you'll get your revenge. Mua ha ha.

**Moony is Me:** Thank you a whole big huge bunch! Your reviews are some of the most important to me because you don't know me in real life and you are not under threat of true physical violence if you don't like my story. I commend you. I love you… platonically.

**Mysterio:** Thankies. Luv ya! Hopefully your new fic will be up soon, because I want to read it! (Let's go do a Dew.)

**Tuning:** Dude, thanks so much for reading! Just so you know, this is chapter EIGHT, don't forget… (lol, really laughing out loud, too)

(random voices shouting) GET ON WITH IT! Oh right, sorry! Thank you everybody who reads! Now, chapter eight!

* * *

**Chapter 8: Evil Root Babies**

"Gryffindors," said Professor Sprout. "Welcome to year six Herbology. This year I…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ron, running around.

"I…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Weasley, 15 points from…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Ronald Weasley!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Then Ron poked Professor Sprout. "Bother."

"Funny, how she also managed to slip in a reference from the Potter Puppet Pals," said one of the aforementioned random kids, Nathan, to his twin brother David.

"What?" said David. "Hang on, we have _names_ now?"

"Apparently," said Nathan. "But wait, why don't we have last names, too?"

"Because we're probably gonna die later," replied David, casually. "The people without last names always die in the end. Or anyone named Ensign something."

Suddenly a guy in a Star Trek uniform ran past behind them in the greenhouse.

"I don't wanna go to the planet of death monsters!" he shouted over his shoulder. He stopped running and continued. "You know full well that it's gonna be _me_ who dies in the first five minutes! Because _I'm _not important! You know I'm a human being too!" He sprinted away.

William Shatner ran past following him.

"Ensign Smith! Or was it… Brown…?"

"He's doomed," said the twins in unison.

"Now, class," started Professor Sprout again. "Today we will be repotting Mandrakes…"

"But we already did that!" Harry melodramatically cried. "In second year! Why must we do it _again_?"

"Because I said so!" shouted Professor Sprout. "Now put on your earmuffs and repot them. You all know what to do." She exited the greenhouse, for whatever reason, and left the class alone. Bad idea. Bobby pulled up one of the Mandrakes by its leafy head. It started screaming. Bad, bad idea.

"You _idiot_!" yelled Hermione, clutching her ears. "Put it back!"

Bobby panicked, and didn't listen. He threw the Mandrake through the air, and with a loud "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" it crashed into the wall. By then, half the class was unconscious on the floor. Including Bobby. The rest had managed to put on their earmuffs in time to escape the Mandrake's cry. The slow half were out for what would be the rest of the day.

"Well, finally," said Ela, pulling the spotlight back on her. "I'm kinda sorta the main character and I still haven't gotten to speak yet. Oh wait, I'm speaking now. Darn! Nevermind."

Manga started pulling up more Mandrakes and throwing them at the poor, now unconscious Bobby.

"This is fun!" she exclaimed. "Mandrake fight!" Of course nobody heard her because they were all wearing earmuffs.

" I SAID MANDRAKE FIGHT!" She threw one at Sam's head.

"Ow," he said, throwing one back.

Everyone got into it and soon Mandrakes were flying everywhere. Ela built a fort out of unused pots and Manga hid behind it with her. Artemis used Butler for protection. Like always. So Manga made it her mission to take Butler out, while Ela went for Artemis. FaNgrL04, on the other side of the room was throwing whole pots at people, until she finally got hit I the face with one of Ron's Mandrakes and fell to the floor.

"Woo hoo!" yelled Ron, then promptly got hit in the face with one of Saint Dane's Mandrakes.

"Muahahaha…" laughed Saint Dane.

"You know, he sure shows up a lot," said Manga thoughtfully to Ela.

"Well, duh it's because I li…" But before Ela could finish, she got hit with a Mandrake. "Ouch!"

Ela started throwing Mandrakes, rapid-fire in the direction it came from. Manga just shook her head and continued with the game.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?"

Uh oh. Professor Sprout was back, holding a bottle of Odgen's Old Firewhisky and waving her wand threateningly.

"Nothing," said Harry, kicking an unconscious student under the desk.

Professor Sprout stumbled into the room, looking drunk and unfit to teach a class.

"Uh, fifty thousand billion points from… who are you again… Slytherin…?"

* * *

_Somewhere in the Entrance Hall…_

The Slytherin points hourglass started rumbling as all of the emeralds in the bottom shot back upwards and through the ceiling.

"It's gonna blow!" yelled a Hufflepuff student and ducked under a statue.

* * *

_Back in Greenhouse Three… or Four… or Whatever…_

Professor Sprout passed out and fell face first onto the floor scattered with the remains of ceramic pots and dirt.

"At least that wasn't weird," said Ela, watching the Professor fall.

"Hey, you heard what she said, fifty thousand billion points from Slytherin!" said Ron laughing.

Suddenly someone threw a Mandrake that hit Harry in the head, and like the Boston massacre, all hell broke loose… again…

Nothing much happened for the rest of the day. In Care of Magical Creatures, some of the remaining Gryffindor students nearly got their hands bitten off and in Transfiguration, Peter somehow got turned into a button. Pretty uneventful, eh? Little did anyone know, the real action was taking place… in the kitchens…

* * *

_In the Kitchens, Where the Action Is…_

Little House Elves pranced around everywhere carrying tea trays and plates of food singing.

"Oh we are the House Elves of Hogwarts School!" they sang happily. "Serving wizards is so cool! We don't mind that we don't get paid, because we're all insane anyway!"

With a thunk, something busted into the room through the portrait of the fruit bowl.

"OH MY GOSH, IT'S E.T.!" screamed one of the House Elves.

"Gollum, gollum," gagged the shriveled grey creature. "No, it is I, GOLLUM!" Gollum turned his head to the left. "No, it's Smeagol!" "Shut up! It's Gollum!" "Smeagol!" "Gollum!" "Smeagol!"

"Is he talking to himself?" muttered a House Elf named Dinky to his friend Jinky.

"Smeagol says Gollum must leaveses uses!" "NO!" "Yes!" "NOES!" "Yesses!" "AHHHHHHHHH!" "Smeagol is sorryses, Gollum is goneses."

The Elves stared at him. Then they stepped forward and introduced themselves.

"I'm Inky."

"I'm Blinky."

"Slinky."

"Kinky."

"Dinky."

"Winky… sob"

"Stinky."

"Jinky."

"Linky."

"Pinky."

"Zinky."

"Hinky."

"Rinky."

"Tinky."

"Minky."

"Dobby!"

"Fred."

"Fredses?" asked Smeagol, noticing the distinct change in rhyme.

"Yeah, my parents never loved me, drop it," said Fred darkly, who was conveniently a Goth Elf. Well, somehow conveniently.

"So, Smeagol, sir, whys are you heres, sir?" asked Dobby.

"I's wanteses the precioussssssssssssssssssss!"

"Well, we can't gets you a precious, sir, but sir, wes can get you a job, sir."

"How much does it pays?" asked Smeagol suspiciously.

"Absolutely nothings!" exclaimed Linky.

"Cool, countses us in!" said Smeagol happily. So that day he began his career as a Hogwarts House Elf, thing.

* * *

_Out in the Forbidden Forest…_

"I was beginning to think we had died," commented Commander Root. "But finally we get to see what happens to us."

Foaly grumbled from the front of the shuttle. "Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate!"

"It's been a whole day now!" yelled Root. "Hurry up!"

The leaves rustled again, like they did the night before. Root backed into the side of the shuttle. The rustling came closer.

"Foaly, you quit that. I know you're trying to scare me!"

"But Commander, I'm…" Foaly looked up from the shuttle again. His eyes widened as he saw something over Root's shoulder. "Sir…"

"What are you doing here?" boomed a voice from behind Root. He winced. He knew he would have to look behind him, but he was almost too scared to. But he did. And you'd never believe what he saw. In an ironic twist of fate, it was a…

* * *

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…" snored the author's muse.

"Dammit!" yelled Ela Dis-Enchanted, pounding her keyboard. She threw water on her muse and yelled at it and everything, but it wouldn't budge.

"Oh just when it was getting good," grumbled Ela, saving the file and uploading it onto Fanfiction.net. "It's been so long since the last chapter, and to my readers, I am sorry, but you have to go and ruin the end." She sighed. "I hope they don't get mad at me and yell. Of course, it will be me who yells if they don't review… Muahahahahahahahaha!"

* * *

The end. Of chapter eight. Review. GAH! =D Sorry for the shortness.


	9. Ogdens Good Ole Firewhiskey

Mah name is, E-Zilla, da fic rulla, da old skoola, u wanna fic, I'll bring it to ya! I rock and I'm on top, writin', neva stop! I upload and ja read till ya brains pop! I don't make any money, see, and I'm not very funny, see, but I got no friends, and I got no life, so if ya don't like my stories I'll stab u with a knife! Cuz I am the FICTION QUEEN… Ouch! (gets hit by her friend Nathan) Sorry I'll stop. I'm on an ATHF kick right now. =D

I don't think I shall describe this chapter, for, as I will truthfully admit to you, I am making it up as I go along. Really. I am. So it's a surprise. Savor the suspense. And one thing I may add is that the obligatory song in this chapter is a nice song by Metallica that happens to be my favorite. Heh heh. And Word think's I'm a 4.5th grader. Is there even such a grade? (kicks Word) Oh well

UPDATE: Sorry, this chapter was full of mistakes so I fixed it up a bit. Chances are this is the first time you're reading this, so I probably caught them in time. Heh. Enjoy the new and IMPROVED, way too long chapter nine.

UDATE #2: I had to do it AGAIN! I guess my mind is silpping... Or maybe it's my stupid muse... (hits muse with a hammer) Yeah, now read my story before I get even more irritated!

* * *

**Chapter 9: Ogdens Good Ole Firewhiskey / Scary Movie… Er Story/ The extremely long chapter with so much nonsense and randomness, not to mention raw filler content that the title is proportionately as large**

"_Sleep with one eye opeeeeeeeen_," Ela sang softy. "_Gripping your pillow tiiiiiight!_" She penned her essay about transfiguring buttons in bright green ink. "_Exit light, enter niiiiiight_…" She flipped through her notes and scribbled another paragraph, eager to finish. "_Take my hand, off to Never Never Land_…"

Remus and Hermione each had massive piles of books in front of them, occasionally opening one and writing something, then reading for a while from another. Hermione leaned over to ask Remus a question, accidentally knocking over a bottle of ink on Remus' parchment. She let out a small yelp and apologized fiercely as he quickly cleaned it up with his wand.

"No problem," he whispered, smiling at her. For those of you who look for this kind of thing, yes, it could be a precursor to a romantic relationship, and then again, it may not be. Teasers, teasers…

"DAMMIT!" shouted Ron from his chair next to Harry. "I just don't get buttons!"

"Neither do I," said Harry, shaking his head. "Neither do I."

"_Hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard_…" sang Ela, slightly louder, from the other side of the room.

The passed-out Gryffindors from earlier had already been revived, and were reading up on what they missed, completing their assignments. Bobby was clueless as usual, especially since he had not attended the majority of the day's lessons.

"_It's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, IN YOUR HEAD!_"

When Ela was just about to break into the chorus of the song with a loud "Come on everyone!" like she loves to do so much, the portrait hole opened up. Two boys came through carrying a large crate. James and Sirius. Peter followed close behind, with a broad grin. Remus turned around and saw them. His face went from zero to furious in .3247 seconds. He stormed over to them, grabbing Peter by the arm.

"You got it?" Remus whispered harshly? "I told you not to!" His expression softened a bit, and even showed a hint of fear. "So wait, we're not going to get in trouble now…?"

"Relax," said Sirius casually. He and James lowered the crate to the ground. "It's cool." He turned towards the room. "Sixth years, may I have your attention please!"

All the sixth years turned to face him, as the other kids obliviously continued with their homework and ignored him, however unlikely that sounds. All except for Ginny Weasley, who was a fifth year, and Luna Lovegood, who wasn't even in Gryffindor, but was a friend of Ginny's.

James cleared his throat. "Would all of you who aren't in sixth year, um, please leave?" he asked as nicely as he could manage. Surprisingly enough, they listened. Dandy. Most of the common room trudged up to the dormitories carrying books, parchment, exploding snap decks, and gobstones. Peter waited until only the sixth years (plus Ginny and Luna, to whom the rules don't apply because Ginny is Ron's sister and Luna and Harry had a little thing going on at the end of the fifth book) were left in the room, before he began speaking.

"I present to you, sixth years…" he started.

"A gift from your friends…" continued Sirius.

"The delightfully mischievous…" added James.

Remus stared blankly at them.

"Say it," whispered Peter.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"_Moony_…" said Remus, sounding as if his friends had just forced him to say, "My name is Sally and I like to wear pink dresses and sing musical numbers on the roofs of public establishments."

"Wormtail…" said Peter.

"Padfoot…" stated Sirius.

"And Prongs," finished James. "Also known as…"

"Remus…" said Remus.

"Peter…"

"Sirius…"

"And James…"

"Respectively," they said together. Remus finally smiled. No matter how "good" he tried to act, he actually did enjoy doing this.

"What is that?" asked Manga, pointing to the crate, which had fancy letters printed on the side in red with flames coming off of them. Rachel coughed. Nobody knew why. The letters were "OOFW."

"That," said Sirius, "is the gift."

James nodded. "Remus, if you will…"

Remus pulled out his wand, hesitated for a moment, then let his inner Marauder take over. He shouted, "_Abertus_!"

The crate popped open, revealing maybe a couple hundred bottles of a reddish orange liquid. Peter grabbed one of the bottles and held it up.

"Ogdens Old Firewhiskey!" He took a deep swig and smiled. Ela ran over.

"You guys really got this stuff? How? From who?"

"We nicked it," said Sirius. "We found a way into the storage room of the Three Broomsticks."

"Is this anything like ale?" asked Sam, eyeing a bottle.

"Ale?" asked Pippin excitedly. "Did you hear that Merry?"

"Yeah," laughed James. "Something like it."

"Oh hey ho to the bottle I go," Frodo started to sing.

Saint Dane gave him a heavily disturbing look of hatred and made as if to grab something from under his robes. Frodo immediately stopped. Hobbits didn't look too good full of bullets.

"So, can we have it? For free?" asked Bobby.

"Yes," said Peter impatiently. "It's a _gift_…"

"Cool," said Merry, taking four bottles and passing them to the hobbits.

Rachel looked at the crate suspiciously, and Glassy spoke up.

"Um, if that's alcohol, we really shouldn't be having it…"

"Yeah," agreed Rachel. "Aren't we a little young?"

"Oh come on guys," said Ela playfully. "You aren't down with the alchie?"

"No, we aren't," said Glassy.

Rachel shuffled her feet.

"Come on!" Ela handed a bottle to each of them. Glassy just put hers down.

"No thank you," she stated firmly and stalked up to her dormitory. Rachel contemplated following her, then looked back down at her bottle.

"Raaaaaach…"

"I'm straight-edge," said Rachel. "I just… can't."

"Rachel, come on," said Ela, losing her playful tone and getting menacingly angry.

"Please, I don't want any."

"YES YOU DO!" Ela glared at her with laserlike eyes.

"Okay, okay," Rachel said, and gulped. "You win."

* * *

_High Above Hogwarts in a Spaceship…_

A cool, awesome, stereo system never known or imagined by man was blaring the S&M version of _Wherever I May Roam_, by Metallica. What coincidence. I guess things like that just tended to happen on the Heart of Gold. You know, the ship. The Heart of Gold is its name.

"_Rover, wanderer, nomad, vagabond! Call me what you will!_" the stereo blasted. The content of the song was rather a coincidence as well, as Ford, and now Arthur, officially, were intergalactic Hitchhikers.

"It's England! It's ENGLAND!" screamed Arthur, going insane.

"It's Earth," breathed Trillian, her eyes wide.

"Wait, didn't the Vogons destroy your worthless planet?" asked Marvin, the chronically depressed/suicidal android, boredly.

"Hold on a second," interrupted Ford, by far the best, funniest, smartest, CUUUUTES… I MEAN… coolest character of the increasingly inaccurately named _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe_ Trilogy. "I don't think…"

"Shut up," said one of Zaphod, Ford's cousin's, heads. Yes, he had two heads. Deal with it. He continued:

"We have to land now, and—"

"Zaphod, I don't think we…" started Ford.

"QUIET!" yelled Zaphod, pounding all three of his fists on a table. Yeah, he had three arms too. Two right arms, and one left one.

"ENGLAND!" yelled Arthur again.

"You too," Zaphod snapped.

"Zaphod," said Ford firmly. "We don't belong in this story. It has already reached the limit of 24 characters. Or more. I lost count."

"Oh," said Zaphod, promptly turning the ship away and going somewhere else for the time being.

* * *

_Back at Hogwarts…_

"Did anybody hear anything?" asked Ela suspiciously. "It sounded oddly like a large, white, stolen spaceship just took off at light speed away from its orbit over the school…"

"I didn't hear anything," said Butler, sipping on a bottle of Firewhiskey.

"Maybe it was the wind," suggested Artemis, who had also taken to trying the alcoholic beverage for himself.

"Hey," yelled Manga, draining her first bottle of the drink. "Who wants to tell scary stories?"

Nobody cared either way, so they shrugged and helped her extinguish the lamps in the common room. Each person pulled a chair, sofa, ottoman, or a private piece of the floor up to the fireplace, which was now the room's only source of light. The hobbits took a couch to themselves. Legolas perched on a chintz armchair. Rachel, Ela, and Manga stole ottomans from now incomplete ottoman-chair furniture arrangements. Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed between some couches on the floor. The four guys of MWPP each got wooden chairs from the desks. Saint Dane and Bobby stared each other down and finally sat on a couch together as well. Actually it was a LOOOOOOVE seat, but nobody felt like bringing that up, as no one really felt like getting a Swiss-cheese makeover. Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf leaned against the wall, Butler, Artemis, and Holly on the floor nearby. Ginny and Luna took a rug in front of the fireplace. Mulch stole the arm of Legolas' chair. FanGrL04 lied on her stomach facing the Luna nad Ginny in front of the fire with her hands on her chin, elbows propped up. Everyone was finally settled.

"So ah… Who goes first?" said Ela.

"I will," said Hermione, smiling and sipping from her bottle. "I know an excellent story…"

"This isn't that stupid one about the kid in the closet…?" Ron started to ask.

"No, it's not that," Hermione snapped back. "Now quiet. I'm starting." She started. Her voice was more hushed and mysterious.

"Ted Martin and Sam Miller were the best of friends. They spent most days together, talking, joking, hanging out. Doing what guys do. Well, one particular night they were sitting on a fence on the side of the road that led out of town, talking and staring into the meadow across the street. Suddenly, they saw something crawl slowly out of the meadow, cloaked heavily in shadow, and stand up. It stood frozen, staring at them. Ted and Sam thought it was a man, but in the dark it was hard to tell for sure. Then it was gone.

"However, only a few minutes later, the figure appeared again. It crawled out of the meadow, like the first time, but this time it slowly staggered out into the street. It stepped toward the two friends, but when it reached the middle of the road, it turned and went back into the field.

"Soon, it came out a third time and started toward them. Ted and Sam were getting scared and decided to run. But when they finally stopped, they decided they were just acting stupid. They weren't even sure what the figure was that was scaring them. So they decided to go back and get a better look.

"Not much later, they saw it again, for it was coming out to meet them. It was wearing black pants, and a white shirt with black suspenders. Sam said, 'I'm going to try and touch it. Then we'll know for sure if it's real.'

"He stepped carefully up to the advancing creature and peered into its face. It had bright, sharp, penetrating eyes sunk deep in its head. Its skin was shrunken and shriveled across its face. It looked like a skeleton.

"Ted took one look at the thing and screamed. He ran back into town towards his house. Sam was right behind him, but this time the skeleton followed them. When they reached Ted's house, they stood in the doorway and watched it. It stayed in the road for a while. Then it disappeared.

"A year later, Ted got sick and died. Toward the end, Sam sat up with him every night. The very night Ted died, Sam said he looked just like the skeleton…"

A shiver passed through the room, like the wave at a football game. Hermione left the group to ponder the eeriness of her story, when somebody broke the silent spell by yelling, "OMG LYKE HOO GOSE NIXT?"

Hermione glanced at FaNgrL04.

"You can."

FaNgrL04 sat up on her knees.

"Once apawn a tym tere wuz a gost lol an it livd in a houce dat it honted omg wtf lol omg and dis gurrl went in2 da houce an she wuz like 'OMG I TINK DIS HOUCE IZ HONTED!' an she ran away but den she cam bak n went in2 da houce agin…"

"Stop that, stop that, stop that," said Saint Dane. He emptied his third (or was it fourth?) bottle of Firewhiskey with one deep swig. "That's just not how scary stories work. You have to be dramatic. You have to make the audience _feel_ scared. Don't just tell the story. Convey your emotion…" He picked up another bottle and drank.

"OK," said FaNgrL04. "I'll tell u 1. Once dere was a boi named Fred hoo acidently swalloed a piano. Den he dide cuz he chocked. Then dey built da internet over his grav and now he is mad, su if u dun send dis to 20 billin ppl in da next .23404889027482764926 seconds, he will drop a piano on u while u sleep!"

"Where on Earth did you get that one?" asked Gandalf, the abnormally silent wizard.

"It was very… odd," said Gimli.

"Agreed," agreed Aragorn.

"I got it on da internet."

"Which explains the 'built the internet over his grave' part," laughed Rachel.

"So, who's next?" asked Manga.

"I wanna go!" exclaimed Ela. "I'll tell you a good one." She finished sipping on her third bottle. She took a paper out of her pocket.

"I photocopied it from a book, so I wouldn't forget it," Ela explained, unfolding it. "Ah here we go… Once there was a girl who grew up to become a scientist. She wanted to know the secrets of the government, so she went to work at Area 51. She assassinated everyone there, and stole the alien technology, contacting the aliens to join a secret army, and also recruiting humans to form a revolutionary army to take on the government. After the girl and her human-alien army won the revolution, she decided to take over the world with all of America's resources and nuclear weapons starting with Norway. Finally, when she had control of the world, she righted all it's wrongs and made it a happy place. The end."

"Okay…" said Manga, staring oddly.

Ela looked at the paper, and quickly shoved it in her pocket.

"Oh crap!" she said. "Those were my plans to take over the world. Oh well," she added boredly, as if she didn't care, though she made a mental note to kill everyone within earshot before carrying out her plan.

By now, everyone was just a _little_ bit tipsy and forgot what they were doing. The Firewhiskey was much stronger than they had previously thought. Legolas looked around him, and muttered something aloud about the pink bunnies. The hobbits laughed uncontrollably.

"So what were we doing?" asked Bobby, articulating the unspoken-up-until-just-then question.

"Playing truth or dare," answered Harry without hesitation.

"So who's turn was it?" asked Ginny, speaking for the first time.

Nobody knew that one.

"May I?" asked Luna, also speaking the first words she's ever spoken in this whole fic.

Nobody answered, so she took it as a yes. Actually they were ignoring her, because she was "LYKE UBER-WEEEIRD" but she went ahead anyway.

"Rachel," Luna said. "Truth or dare?"

"Er, truth…"

"Rachel, what is your deepest, darkest secret?"

Rachel contemplated telling them that she was actually an international spy, sent to find out information about a Russian satellite, which was somehow hidden in Hogwarts. But, if she did that, she would have to kill everyone else there. Which she didn't want to happen. Though Ela already had unvoiced plans to do so anyways. So, Rachel did as everybody does. Lied.

"I, er, I've had a crush on Drew since the fourth grade!"

As nobody knew, or cared, who Drew was, they shrugged it off and continued with the game.

* * *

_In Glassy's Dormitory…_

"Ugh," whispered Glassy, erasing something from her sketchbook. She brushed away the little eraser shavings and kept drawing Edd from Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy. She starting penciling in the face. "His smile never looks quite right…"

_BANG_.

Glassy looked up. The banging noise came from Samara's corner of the dorm room.

_BANG_.

Samara popped out of her bed, seemingly coming right out of it like, well, a ghost thing coming through a bed. She flipped her hair over her face and staggered towards Glassy.

"Er, Samara, what are you doing?"

"Suffer! Suffer!"

Glassy rolled her eyes and closed her sketchbook. She decided she'd rather go downstairs than be bothered by Samara and her stupid little, "Die, suffer, die," episodes. So she did.

* * *

_Back Downstairs, Where Glassy Now Had Joined the Group…_

"All right," said Rachel, giggling a little bit. "Truth or dare, big guy?" She pointed to Saint Dane.

"Dare!" he yelled making a fist and slamming it on the sofa.

"All right, I dare you to…" Rachel rubbed her chin. "To do a 'seven minutes in heaven' with a girl in this room!"

"What is that?" Saint Dane asked suspiciously, kind of unknowledgeable about the territory's games and customs.

"You spin a bottle and when it stops and points at a girl, you go into a room with her for seven minutes!" answered Rachel.

"I thought it was seven seconds…" wondered Holly aloud.

"Yeah, but you can do a lot more in seven minutes," said James with a deep laugh, picking up on the vibe.

"Rach, no more Firewhiskey for you," said Ela, snatching her bottle away. "That is the last time you say something weird like that…"

"But the dare still stands, doesn't it?" asked Legolas. "I mean, he's gotta do it?"

"Yes," said Manga, flipping through the Truth or Dare Official Rulebook. "He still has to complete the dare…"

The girls hesitantly got into a circle, and Saint Dane grabbed one of his empty Firewhiskey bottles and spun it. Holly, Glassy, Rachel, Manga, Ela, Ginny, Luna, Hermione, and FaNgrL04 watched it spin. So did the boys, with ironic sneers on their faces. Nobody knew what the irony was, but it made for a good description. The bottle slowed. Eyes got wider. Gasps were heard. It finally inched to a stop. (insert group gasp here) It was pointed to…

* * *

"WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FIC FOR A COMPLETELY USELESS TEST OF AN EMERGENCY SYSTEM THAT WILL NEVER EVER BE USED AT ALL!" yelled an announcer from nowhere. A bunch of little green people ran around screaming, "EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY!" for the next seven minutes and thirty-two seconds. Then it all stopped.

"THANK YOU!"

* * *

Saint Dane sat back down in the circle, still staring a blank stare…

* * *

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" yelled the author, Ela, in a fit of rage. "Who put that emergency system test in there?" She smote several random people, none of whom were responsible and turned back to the non-existent camera, which would be a camera, if there were one, but was in reality just the fictional perspective of the reader.

"Luckily for you and those idiots who broadcasted the test, I have a little thing called…" Ela held up a remote. "FANFICO!" She waited for the OOOH's and AAAH's. There weren't any.

"Right," Ela recovered quickly, still holding the remote, "You see it's like Tivo, only for fanfiction. You can rewind and fast forward and stop. You can even save up to three… Ah, I'm sorry, I'm ranting." Ela shook her head. "I mean, I will now rewind the fic seven minutes and thirty-two seconds into the past. Enjoy." Ela pressed a button and everything went black…

* * *

FaNgrL04.

Saint Dane panicked and almost ran, when he remembered a handy little thing he had, called "POWERS." He used them for all they were worth. The bottle tilted slightly to the right. It now rested on…

Ela.

Their eyes met for a second, then Ela looked at the floor. Saint Dane looked at the ceiling. It was closer. Hehe, get it? Cuz he's seven feet tall, right?

Get it? (cough)

"You know what that means," said Bobby, slyly, milking everything he could out of Saint Dane's not-quite-in-control-at-the-moment position.

"Shall we?" Saint Dane asked Ela, smiling a freaky smile and extending his hand.

"Uh huh." Ela nodded and took his hand. Gulping. Saint Dane was pretty menacing, especially while drunk and slightly out of his mind.

"I'll just make sure you two get there safely," said Butler, grabbing the same key he locked FaNgrL04 and Bobby into a dormitory with the night before. So he led them upstairs. Some doors got shut. Some locks got locked. And Saint Dane and Ela ended up alone in a room.

"And what happens now?" asked the tall, evil Traveler, pacing the room.

Ela sat down on the nearest bed and coughed.

"We're actually supposed to _kiss_ and stuff…"

He snapped around towards her.

"Me and you? We…"

"Kiss, yes."

"Oh. I thought it had something to do with torture."

"No."

"OOOOOOOH… Uh, so now… We like… kiss? Really?"

"I guess so."

Saint Dane sat next to Ela on the four-poster. They looked at each other and just got it over with. Saint Dane pulled Ela into an awkward half-second kiss. They pulled away quickly and turned away from each other. Saint Dane drained another bottle of Firewhiskey that he brought with him in slightly less than 1.5 seconds.

"I am going to drink so much I hopefully have no memory of this…" he said, wiping his forehead with his sleeve.

"Should I be offended by that?" Ela asked, in a slightly indignant tone.

"No, no," Saint Dane apologized, opening another bottle. "This is just so weird… And awkward."

"True…" Ela picked up a bottle. "To forgetting!" she said, clanking her bottle against his.

"Yeah," muttered Saint Dane. "To forgetting…"

* * *

_Back in that One Spaceship…_

Ford growled as he watched what was going on in a monitor he had somehow planted in Hogwarts.

"Yeah, yeah, you'll forget… When you _die_…"

"What's going on in here?" asked Zaphod, who had no respect for privacy, flinging open Ford's door.

"Er, nothing," said Ford quickly, turning off the monitor…

* * *

_In the Common Room, Again…_

The rest of the room sat and conversed about what could be going on up there.

"How much do you think he got her to do?" asked Sirius to his three friends.

"You sick bastard," said Remus, who laughed a little bit anyways. Only partially because of the massive amount of alcohol running through his system.

The girls were talking, too.

"Rachel, I cannot believe you!" said Glassy. "Did you see that guy? Poor Ela…"

"What?" asked Manga, sipping on her fifth drink "It's not like he looked that bad…"

"No, but hello! He's evil…" said Glassy. "He could be up there MURDERING her right now!"

"I never thought of that," said Rachel. "Oh well." She shrugged.

Someone's watch went off, with a loud beeping noise. It was Butler's.

"Oh, look, seven minutes has passed," he said casually. "You wait here, I will bring them down."

And the group waited. Seconds later Butler came sown with a giddy Ela and a confused looking Saint Dane.

"So Ela. Did you like that?" asked Holly, laughing.

"Ndengina ta!" Ela exclaimed laughing.

"That's Evlish," said Aragorn.

"What?" asked Bobby. "I heard 'Kill it.'" He got odd stares. "I'm a Traveler. I understand these things…"

"So, what happened up there?" asked Sirius of Saint Dane, smiling from the corner of his mouth.

Saint Dane glared at him and sat down.

"You guys!" said Sam. "We must know!"

"What do you think happened?" said Saint Dane, darkly cryptic.

There were a few stares and dirty thoughts. The Ela screamed.

"AMIN AUTIEN RATH!" She ran to her dormitory.

Everyone, even Legolas the elf, who was too drunk to even sneeze, looked at Bobby for a translation.

"She said she's going to bed."

Oh.

"So," said Artemis tapping his fingers. "Do we continue?"

"No, the main character's gone to bed, we can't," said Holly, disappointed.

"Please," whined Frodo. "Master Dane… Saint Dane, I mean. Ask somebody truth or dare."

The remaining players looked at him, only to see that he had passed out on the couch.

"Ro caele beika sereg," said somebody. It was FaNgrL04. Everyone made faces that looked very much like O.o.

"WAT? IMA FNGRRL! I no Elvish! Wat du u x-pekt?"

Everyone gave up on the fleeting notion that the annoying Fangirl had stopped with the chatspeak forever. They sighed.

"Maybe we should go to bed too…?" suggested Rachel. "I'm getting dizzy."

"Yeah," the group murmured, and drunkenly crept up to the dormitory's, occasionally falling down stairs but ultimately reaching their destinations unharmed.

* * *

The author threw the Fanfico remote at her still sleeping muse. She turned to the "camera."

"I had to write that WHOLE huge long chapter on pure caffeine, you know!" she said, accusingly. Ela D-E pointed at her muse. "I had absolutely no help with it from this stupid lazy bi…"

* * *

Static.

"End recorded fic," said the Fanfico machine. "Good-bye."

More static.


	10. The Long Delayed Introduction of Voldy's...

Well, this chapter's pretty self-explanatory by the title, isn't it? I'm writing this as I sip on some of "Els's Home-made Iced Hazelnut-Chocolate Coffee" which I of course invented. It pwns. You should try it some time. I'll make some for you. Hehe… Okay now, it's time for you to read my story. Oh yeah, review, or else… Um… I will pwn you to death with a hammer. Now, PREPARE TO READ THE FIC!

* * *

****

**Chapter 10: The Long Delayed Introduction of Voldy's Plot**

Somewhere deep in the heart of a dark random forest in a place that is most probably in England and most probably relatively near Hogwarts, a bunch of guys sat huddled around a campfire. They wore long black robes, each of them sporting a charcoal colored tattoo on their left forearms, each of which featured a dark skull and a snake. Their faces were concealed in shadow, but their voices cut through the night like a sharpened knife through something that is not quite so sharp as the knife. In their hands they held something given to them by their dark master, the vilest person to ever live. Lord Voldemort. These as yet unknown objects of such sinister origin were so horribly terrifying, so terribly horrifying, that it is difficult for one to describe just how extraordinarily BAD they were. They were…

Marshmallows.

Ah, my naive little ones, these were no _ordinary_ marshmallows. They were marshmallows that rested on long pointed sticks! Haha. And you thought the Death Eaters were a bunch of fruit loops, didn't you? HAH!

"DAMMIT! THE STICK'S ON FIRE!" yelled Crabbe, Vincent Crabbe's father, the one with the undetermined first name. He shook the pointed stick on which rested his vile marshmallow until the flames that occupied the burning stick finally gave up on their futile quest to convert the elder Crabbe into smoldering ashes for the common good of all intelligent beings, and wistfully disappeared into the wind.

Goyle, the father of the other Goyle who's first name is forgotten and unimportant (not to mention uninteresting and irrelevant), threw the stick on the ground and stomped on it for good measure, just to make sure it wasn't possessed or something like that. These things happen.

In the midst of all of the stick-stomping, a man by the name of Lucius Malfoy stood up and cleared his throat. The other Death Eaters listened intently for two reasons. One of them was that he may have possibly been choking on one of the god-awful marshmallows supplied to them by Lord Voldything (or so he is known as by a certain Vernon Dursley), in which case each and every one of them were prepared, at a moment's noticed and at duty's call, to not care at all and let him choke to death so one of them could fight to occupy the would-be recently vacated spot of leading and most popular Death Eater. The other reason, and most likely of the two, was that he was about to talk, in which case they were to make absolute sure they heard, and ignored, every word that he said so somewhere the plan to rule the wizarding and not to mention ENTIRE world would be ruined so that Harry Potter could save the day for the sixth time running and keep the Harry Potter gravy train rolling, upon which they would be sure to purchase first class tickets. Or maybe they would settle for coach. Hell, do trains even have classes?

Lucius opened his mouth, with the intention to welcome the Death Eaters to the annual Death Eater's "How shall we try but fail to kill Harry Potter this year?" picnic. And he did just that.

"Welcome, Death Eaters, to the annual Death Eater's 'How shall we try but fail to kill Harry Potter this year?" picnic," he said, somehow simultaneously making himself sound both as if he would be happy to be your personal slave forever, and cut your head off and feed your internal organs to a rabid hamster as well. He continued in a tone of voice that more suggested the hamster part was a little more accurate:

"Now, how shall we try but fail to kill Harry Potter this year?"

Rookwood spoke first between thick bites of burnt generic marshmallows.

"Maybe we should sneak into his dormitory somehow by disguising one of ourselves as his best friend, that Weasley kid, and kill him in his sleep."

"No," said Malfoy. "That would be too easy. We need something complicated and unexpected, something that no one will see coming, and no one will _understand_ when they DO see it coming."

"Maybe," suggested Bellatrix Lestrange, "we should pretend to kill someone close to him to lure him into a trap, _really_ kill the person he cared about, and then attempt to kill Harry himself."

"We did that last year," Lucius reminded Bellatrix. "And it was your idea, too. Let's get some fresh material."

"We could," mused Nott, "put the Imperius Curse on Harry and have him subsequently kill Dumbledore and then himself."

"But he can fight off that curse, remember?" snapped Malfoy, angered by the stupidity that surrounded him.

There was a loud pop followed by a shrill laugh from a voice that continued to say:

"Or perhaps we could wait until the Master has come to approve the plans?"

The Death Eaters, including the older creepy Peter Pettigrew who had Apparated shortly after Voldy, bowed to the Dark Lord and murmured several things that sounded suspiciously like something about three-legged chickens and faulty firecrackers.

"Ah, very well," said Voldemort, waving off his supporters. "I am glad to see you all have escaped Azkaban…" He looked around. "Now, here is my plan to try but fail to kill Harry Potter this year." Voldemort then proceeded to explain his plan.

"Why, Master, Lord, Sir!" squeaked Wormtail. "How delightfully evil, complicated, and totally inconceivable! Nobody will ever see it coming…"

"And nobody will ever understand it when they DO see it coming," interjected Malfoy.

Voldemort rubbed his hands together in evil delight.

"Then, my Eaters of Death…" started Voldemort. The group grumbled as they did not like the way that made them sound conspicuously homosexual. "Let's get to work!"

* * *

Somewhere deep in the heart of another forest, that was definitely near Hogwarts, though a few hours in the past, we left Foaly and Commander Root alone with a disembodied voice and a buttload of suspense.

* * *

"_Buttload_?" asked EDE, while her muse psychically controlled her typing.

"I didn't say buttload," replied the muse, without looking up from her magazine. "I said ASSload." She turned another page. "Fix it."

And so the confused author did just so.

* * *

Somewhere deep in the heart of another forest, that was definitely near Hogwarts, though a few hours in the past, we left Foaly and Commander Root alone with a disembodied voice and an _assload_ of suspense. I believe we were about to reveal that by an ironic twist of fate, the creature who had in fact been rustling the leaves and talking to the Commander and Foaly, just happened to be… A centaur. But, as we are making all things in this chapter interesting, I will say that this was no ordinary centaur (well, technically it WAS, but I am trying to find a way to elaborate), and was in fact Bane, that one mean centaur who didn't like Firenze in the first book. Being the odd paranoid beings they tended to be, the centaurs of Hogwart's Forbidden Forest were always suspicious of potential attackers. However, when Bane saw Foaly, he felt as if he should reconsider his instinctive hostility, and try to make peace with one of his fellow centaurian brethren.

"Brother!" said Bane to Foaly. Foaly blinked.

"I'm not your brother…"

Bane sighed. Most people were either incurable smartasses or took things too literally. This strange horsey-dude was definitely one of the two, if not both. Bane sighed again to emphasize his point.

"Yes, I understand…"

"What's your name?" asked Foaly suddenly.

"Bane."

"Haha, that's a stupid name."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, when you spell it backwards…" Foaly paused for a chuckle.

Bane prompted Foaly to continue.

"Yes?"

"When you spell it backwards, it spells ENAB!" Foaly suddenly doubled himself over in hysterical laughter, beating the ground with the metric wrench he was holding. Why a centaur from a FAIRY city had a metric wrench, nobody knows. But he clearly did, and it was fulfilling its sole purpose in the story by being pounded against the mossy ground that was the forest floor.

Bane blinked. Then he just sort of wandered off without saying anything, thinking to himself how worthless some things could really be sometimes.

Foaly then commenced throwing lemons at trees and yelling accusations at them about breaking the ship and/or stealing his socks. Even though he didn't wear socks, as they don't fit over hooves very well.

Commander Root stared for a moment, blinked, and then decided to pass out, as it would be just easier to not have to deal with the random weird nonsensical things he had just seen and heard (mostly consisting of the fact that a metric wrench had somehow ended up in Foaly's possession).

* * *

"And since the paths of matter and antimatter are inversely identical when produced by the introduction of gamma-ray photons to a bubble chamber of superheated liquid hydrogen, matter and anti-matter should be equal in the universe, if the Big Bang was truly what it is thought to have been," said Ela, drunkenly. "However, the decaying rates of both matter and anti-matter are slightly different, true, but too small to explain the over-abundance of matter in the universe unchecked by anti-matter that should destroy it."

She was answered only by the occasional hiccough of a snoozing dorm-mate. But, since she was too intoxicated to realize that nobody was listening, or in fact even conscious, she continued babbling to herself until she finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion of her alcohol-weakened mind.

* * *

Harry Potter woke up in the morning with a dull throbbing in his scar. He rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had just had the weirdest dream. He had been jumping up and down in some green Jell-O, completely minding his own business, when a broom in a spaceship came and told him that he had eaten all the pizza and must now die, and then Harry ran away and the world exploded and then Voldemort was yelling something at his conspicuously homosexual minions which was the point where Harry woke up. He shook his head again and got dressed in his school uniform, having accidentally managed to slip on his pants inside out _and_ backwards, put each shoe on the wrong foot, and wear his socks on his hands, while successfully failing to notice. He almost tripped over the limp body of his friend Ron who had fallen asleep in the doorway. Harry kicked him awake and then ran, tripping a few feet further ahead.

Harry looked down at his feet and realized what had happened.

_My feet must have randomly switched places last night_, he concluded, then shrugged and walked off.

Downstairs in the common room, the young and refreshingly un-creepy Peter Pettigrew was amusing himself by running up the stairs to the girls' rooms and sliding down when the stairs reverted themselves into a steep ramp that was meant to, of course, keep stupid annoying boys out of the girls' dormitories. That demographic just happened to be the exact one that Peter fit into, so the stairs, naturally, rejected him.

Saint Dane had somehow ended up on the common room floor in his sleep and was now just waking up to discover that fact.

All of the girls were in the Great Hall, eating their breakfasts early, though none of them had very large appetites after the previous evening's engagement with Firewhiskey. It also did not help that the food was revoltingly bad, as the House Elves had reluctantly agreed to let Gollum try his hand in cooking breakfast for once, which was a horrible mistake on their part. But Gollum wasn't blamed, since most people didn't even know he was there, indeed, nor did many even know the House Elves were there in the first place.

Eventually all of the hungover students from Gryffindor had to prepare for class. The non-hungover sixth years from Gryffindor, many of whom had been petrified the day before by the Mandrakes and were still resting in their dorms when the Firewhiskey incident took place, looked at their tired faces and bloodshot eyes oddly. Ela noticed this and started laughing insanely, making the other sixth years wonder exactly what she was high on, and where they could get some.

Well, to make a long story short, the Gryffindors, not to mention all of the other students at Hogwarts, attended all of their classes that day. Eventually time passed on, until it came time for their next Defense Against the Darks Arts lesson. With, yes, you got it, Ms. Luna Day… Ah screw it. Professor Bell.

"Class, take out your wands," said Luna in her annoyingly sweet voice, perching on the edge of her desk, flaunting her crimped hair and crimson robes. The boys unconsciously leaned forward, looking very wide-eyed and… Just like guys who have got the serious hots for the woman talking to them. Which was, incidentally, the case. Ela snatched out her wand in a huff, as did all of the rest of the girls. Holly managed to fling her stuff all over the floor at the same time, causing what she hoped would be enough distraction to break the trance the guys were under. It didn't.

"Now…" started Luna, tapping her wand on the edge of the desk. "Today I'm going to show you all how to…"

Suddenly the lights went out leaving behind an impenetrable blanket of dark darkness. There was the loud crash of shattering glass, several shrieks from the students, a couple of "Moo"'s from God knows where, and a very loud scream that sounded very much like Luna. The darkness left as soon as it had come, leaving behind a trashed classroom and a bunch of kids wondering where their DADA teacher had gone. Yes, Luna, Miss Perfect, was missing.

"Professor Bell?" cried out Dean and Seamus. "Where are you?"

"Who cares?" mumbled both Parvati and Lavender.

Amongst the mixed reactions of the students, the door to Luna's office opened and Luna Bell stepped out unharmed. She put of a pair of sunglasses and addressed the class.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you all remember this…"

She took out a neuralyzer and flicked a couple of the switches. She pointed it at the class and pressed a button, expecting the bright blue flash that usually happens when neuralyzers are activated. But nothing happened. Luna shook the small metal tube.

"Damn batteries!" she yelled, beating the neuralyzer against her desk.

"Actually," said Hermione, standing up, "the batteries aren't DEAD, it's just that, as page 4,782 of _Hogwarts, A History_ states, electronics cannot be used here because magic is so abundant around us."

"DAMN!" yelled Luna. "Er, I mean… Class dismissed. Go read a book or something."

"But I've read all the books in the world!" complained Hermione, Artemis, and Remus, simultaneously.

"I don't care!" shouted Luna. "Leave!"

Not wanting to piss off their already pissed off teacher any more, they followed her instructions.

"That's was oddly strange," said Manga to Rachel as they left the room.

"Yes, yes it was," Rachel agreed.

* * *

Oooooh, what oddness! You will have to wait until chapter 11 to find out what that was all about. And I'll try as hard as I can to get the next chapter posted in a few days. As this one was horribly delayed. =) As you wait, I advise you to read my friend Red's fanfic. It is random and funny. Here's the link: Well, until next time… =)


	11. Pimp My Broom

School started, dammit! That's all I have to say. I won't be updating often, maybe only on weekends. However I get out early (at like 1:35) I may have time to write in the afternoons. So yeah. I will also now say that I got the fifth Pendragon book (yeah-ah-ah) and I am exuberated and jubilant beyond any of your comprehensions. Foolish mortals. And before we get started with this chapter (which includes an idea that I've been trying to put down in a chapter forEVER) I have to give a shout out to my main-man-mayonnaise Bob the Pet Rock. The cool points are out the window and you got me all twisted up in the game, man. Whatever that means…

(Extra note: Also contributing to my extreme delay is the fact that Florida, my home state, has been pounded by two, about to be three, hurricanes. Bear with me, these storms can be very pesky to writers who need power for their computers to work… I would also like to pledge my eternal love to Denny, whom almost none of you know who that is, yet I do not care… Haha.)

I give you…

* * *

**Chapter 11: Pimp My Broom**

After the incident in Luna's classroom, all of the Gryffindors were a little shaken and confused. But one thing that helped Harry take his mind off things was of course his favorite sport…

"Quidditch!" yelled Harry, skipping around in the Entrance Hall. He couldn't help but skip when he read on the bulletin board during break that tryouts started the next day. He skipped and skipped and skipped some more until his foot caught the edge of a loose stone. He tripped and hit the cold rock-hard floor. Face first. Hard.

"OOOOHF!"

Just then, a tall boy with unnaturally blonde hair, flanked by two larger boys with unnaturally dull minds, strolled into the Entrance Hall, snickering.

"What's the matter, Potter?" laughed Draco Malfoy. "Can't even go three feet without falling or fainting or something?"

Thinking this statement to be of the utmost wit, Draco chuckled. Crabbe and Goyle also apparently were impressed, and laughed stupidly in unison. Harry struggled to find the ultimate comeback to Draco's oh-so-harsh insult.

He did.

"No," Harry answered. "Butthead."

The arrogant smile on Draco's face fell faster than Ela trying to walk in a pair of stilettos. He stepped up to Harry until their faces were mere inches apart. Harry answered his action with an evil smile and narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, Malfoy. You heard what I said. I said it."

"Watch your mouth, Potter," spat Malfoy.

"That's kinda hard to do," explained Harry slowly, "because I kinda can't see my own face without a mirror…"

"Oh shut up you little weasel."

"I wouldn't be going around calling people rodents…" Harry paused for effect. "Ferret boy."

Draco clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He fell to the floor, rolling around and screaming.

"NO! THE PAIN!"

Draco kept rolling around for a good two and a half minutes until regaining the strength to speak. He looked up at Harry.

"Seven months of therapy! WASTED!" Draco shouted. "You will PAY Potter! YOU WILL PAY!"

"No I won't."

Draco growled, sounding very much like if someone was trying to shove an extremely angry cat down a garbage disposal, while playing a bagpipe.

"You just wait, Scar-head."

Draco stormed out of the Hall, followed closely by his two cronies who were still laughing over Draco's initial "falling" comment. Idiots.

Harry smiled and returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, with a slight skip to his step.

* * *

_Up in the Common Room…_

"Who else is going to try out for the Quidditch team?" asked Harry of everyone important to the plot of the story. This didn't include Ginny. But she spoke anyway.

"Oooh, I want to be a Chaser!"

"I'm probably going to stay as Keeper," said Ron, without looking up from the game of wizard chess that he was getting his ass beat at by Artemis.

Manga muttered something that sounded like "no fricking way." The hobbits ignored Harry, and kept eating the food they had stolen from the lunch table. Saint Dane spoke.

"What's the point?"

"It's a sport," Bobby snapped, venomously. "People play it for fun."

"That doesn't sound like fun," Saint Dane replied. "You know what's fun?"

"Hitting on 18-year old girls from Veelox?" Bobby muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Bobby answered quickly, with the distinct feeling that Saint Dane had heard him anyway.

"I still don't get the point…"

"What's not to get?" asked Harry, as if it should have been the most obvious thing in the world. "It's Quidditch! It's great! Why is it fun? Who knows? It's one of life's great unanswered questions. Why is the sky blue? Why do E-Woks look like creepy animatronic teddy bears? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie-Pop?"

"271," answered Ela. "I actually tallied it once…"

"Whatever," said Harry. "I am going to reclaim my rightful title as Gryffindor Seeker." He stopped for a second, as if trying to remember something.

"Who's going to be Captain this year?"

"Katie Bell," replied Ginny, matter-of-factly.

"Oh."

Harry secretly considered jinxing Katie's broom or something that would get him closer to his long-awaited Captain position on the Gryffindor team, like everyone can see coming from about 500 miles away, but decided to wait until his seventh year, for maximum effect.

* * *

The next morning Harry walked out onto the Quidditch Pitch wearing his old crimson robes and clutching his trusty Firebolt in his left hand. Ela, Manga, and everybody else that mattered came to watch, but only Ginny and Ron accompanied Harry onto the field. Ron had finally decided after much kicking and screaming, a few ounces of chloroform, and the Imperius Curse that he would stay on as the Gryffindor Keeper.

As Harry stalked towards the locker room, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around to face the one, the only, the famous (okay, not SO famous…) X-ZIBIT!

"What?" Harry asked the rapper/TV host.

"Hey, are you Harry Potter?" asked X-Zibit

"I hope so," replied Harry, leaning closer and whispering, "cuz I'm wearing his underwear."

The rapper blinked and shrugged.

"Yeah, um, Harry guess what?"

"You're pregnant!" exclaimed Harry.

"No…"

"Am I on the new MTV series based on Pimp My Ride, called Pimp My Broom where you randomly select brooms to pimp?"

"Yeah, that's it exactly! How did you know?"

"I didn't."

At this point the spectators came down to the field to see why exactly Harry was conversing with the host of Pimp My Ride, and see if they could get money by making an appearance on TV. Harry looked back at X-Zibit.

"Exactly what is this all about?"

"Well Harry, we're gonna pimp your broom!"

"But it doesn't need pimping! It's the best model of broom in the world!"

"Not anymore," came an evil voice behind the small crowd. It was Draco, and he had a broom. And damn, was it cool.

It had a shiny mahogany handle, and finely trimmed twigs tied in the back. Basically, it was a broom. You all know what a broom looks like. If described in too much detail, it would just sound wrong. Try it yourself. Not so easy is it? Without saying something sick. cough So let's leave it at that.

"OMFG WEREZ DID U GiT DAHT AYE WONT 1 OMG LOL WTF!!!!111!111!1!1!!1" shouted FaNgrL04.

"What?" asked Draco, totally lost.

"She wants to know where you got you superior piece of broom technology," translated Ela.

"Oh. I got it from my father," sneered Draco.

"The hot one?" asked Ela.

"What? Hot one who?" asked the again-puzzled Draco.

"Nevermind," said Ela.

Harry, who had been too busy glaring at Draco to speak, decided to articulate the thoughts running through his head.

"Go away you stupid head!"

"What?" asked Draco for the third time.

"I said STUPID HEAD!"

"Shut up!"

Harry responded with that little "Ooooh, mama mama!" thing we all used to do in preschool when somebody did something bad like say "butt."

"I'm tellin'!"

"No you're not!" shouted Draco. "Not if I tell on you first!"

They each ran as fast as they could towards the castle. Artemis nodded in mock approval.

"Wow," he said sarcastically. "What a nice comeback. Harry really BURNED him…"

"That wasn't _nice_!" said Rachel. "In fact, it was downright _rude_!"

Hermione lifted the broom that Harry had dropped before he started chasing his nemesis. She held it out to X-Zibit.

"So, are you going to pimp this broom or what?"

"Damn right!" he said, taking the broom and running off to a tent where the "pimping" crew was set up. The group wandered off to the locker rooms to wait for the return of Harry and Draco and the results of the broom pimpage.

* * *

_Three and a half hours later…_

"Put it out! Put it out!" screeched Frodo as he desperately tried to extinguish the fire on his cloak.

"I've got it Mister Frodo!" yelled Sam, who valiantly jumped on the flames, successfully putting them out AND getting third degree burns in the process.

"Ow, it's got my ear!" shrieked Glassy, fleeing from a Snitch which someone had somehow blessed with teeth.

Butler was busy trying to catch bludgers that were slamming into lockers and/or other people's jawbones. Gandalf was chasing off bewitched quaffles with his staff, as Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, with their assorted weapons defended themselves from rouge flying brooms. Saint Dane fired off a few shots from his gun, for no real particular purpose, nearly clipping Bobby for reasons that may or may not have been intentional. Ela and Manga watched the madness, amused.

"That was James' idea," said Ela, pointing at the several metal objects that were ramming into FaNgrL04.

"OMG OMG WTF LOL HALP MEH ROTFLMAFO!!1!1!1!43!547&!7708(!-98!!!!!!1one!!!!"

"Can't say I disagree with that one," snickered Manga.

The Mauraders ducked in the corner, laughing. Artemis was just about to throttle Sirius for helping start the madness when Ginny and Rachel burst in from the field.

"It's done!" they exclaimed.

"What's done?" implored Ela.

"The broom!" explained Ginny.

"It's pimped," added Rachel.

Suddenly all the action stopped. A massive "cease fire" halted the activity of the normally inanimate objects. After a bit of wrestling with the remains of shredded Quidditch robes and the splintered battered old school brooms that may not have entirely quit fighting in the first place, the group shuffled out onto the Quidditch pitch, bruised but mostly unharmed. There stood X-Zibit holding a brand new (looking) Firebolt. And damn, was IT cool.

Ela did not know it was possible to attach 20-inch spinners to a broom, but somehow the crew had figured out a way to install _four_. Nobody was aware that hydraulics could be used on pimped cleaning/racing tools, but apparently they can too. Also upon the newly adorned broom rested two 10-inch LCD screens for the DVD player hooked up somewhere in the back. To accommodate these screens, four racing seats had to be incorporated into the design, but apparently the engineers had no trouble with that either.

By this time Harry and Draco were trudging back towards the stadium. Halfway to their destination they stopped, engaged themselves in a shouting match (incoherent to the rest of the group) and raced the rest of the way. When they reached the awestruck group, they searched for the source causing the awestrucked-ness, as they had no idea why the adjective was even present among them. Eventually they realized that the broom was apparently causing the temporary catatonic state of the group. Harry raced over to his Firebolt and snatched it up.

"How did you... What did… How much did it… THANK YOU!" Harry threw his arms around the whole pimp crew, somehow simultaneously, then decided to taunt Draco with his new acquisition.

"My broom's cooler than your broom!" Harry sang.

"Is not," refuted Draco, indignantly.

"Is so. It's pimpier. And faster."

"Really, wease--- er, Potter? Want to put your money where your mouth is?"

"No," replied Harry. "Money's dirty. I don't want those germs in my mouth…"

"I mean a wager, you idiot!"

"Oh, a wager… sure…" Harry made a mental note to look that word up in the dictionary as soon as he finished telling Draco off with his superior knowledge of everything. If that failed, Harry could always play the "I-was-orphaned-at-infancy-and-killed-an-evil-wizard-so-you-have-to-tolerate-my-whining-cuz-I'm-always-right" card.

"Okay then, Potter, what'll it be? 5 galleons?"

"I already told you, I'm not putting any type of currency in my mouth," Harry explained to Draco in harsh tones.

"For the bet, I mean, imbecile!"

"Hey, you can insult me all you want, but know, I can TOO read!_ Imbecile_… Please!" Harry wagged his head to emphasize his point.

At this point Ela had had just about enough of this Harry POV and idiotic rantings between him and Draco. She broke up their fight.

"You guys," she started. "This is not advancing the plot at all! Plus, it's pushing me out of the limelight, and that cannot be had. So shut it!" She was about to coninue when a shrill yell of "What are you DOING out there?" interrupted and focused the attention of the group on a furious looking McGonagall racing out towards the pitch closely followed by Luna Bell.

"Nothing ma'am," said Harry, but McGonagall was not talking to him. She continued her march to the pimping tent and proceeded to chew out the crew about how they are not allowed on Hogwarts grounds, and that some obscure educational decree of a number that had mysteriously slipped her mind prohibited MTV or any affiliates of it to come within 100 miles of Hogwarts grounds. Conceding to her nagging, they left.

Manga made a production out of the simple act of glaring at Luna for revealing that the TV crew was there in the first place, with a stare that all but shouted, "Great you little snitch! Now I won't get any money for briefly appearing on camera!"

McGonagall returned to the students in a huff and proceeded to yell at them as well. Nobody really caught any of it, except the end where both the Slytherin and Gryffindor houses had 20 points docked from their totals for allowing those "no good hooligans" on campus. Ignoring the students' protests, she returned to the castle just as quickly as she had come, leaving them alone with Luna.

"Well, children," said Luna with an undertone of condescending smugness, "and you _others_…" she made sure to add. "Maybe this will teach you not to break school rules." She turned to Draco. "Thank you for informing me of this, young man. 50 points to Slytherin."

There was a deadly silence as Luna and Draco returned to the castle, both looking happy in a twisted, evil way.

"I HATE that woman," said Ela when Luna was out of earshot. "There's something scary about her… I mean I… Guys?"

She turned to see everyone was staring at Glassy, who had an eerie blank look on her face.

"No, it can't be…" Glassy said softly.

"What? What can't be?" prompted Butler.

"How could they have pimped that broom?" she whispered to herself, with an unbelieving expression. "It just doesn't… How…"

Suddenly Hermione gasped and her jaw dropped nearly to the ground. Harry picked it up for her. She wiped it off.

"Thanks," said Hermione. She turned to everybody else. "Don't you see? This is wrong! In _Hogwarts, a History_…"

"Oh shut up about your books," said Ron, rolling his eyes.

"RON LISTEN!" Hermione shouted. "Glassy is right! There's no way they could have done this without… Oh my gosh, this is bad…"

"What, what is it?" urged Bobby.

Hermione threw out her hands dramatically.

"ELECTRICITY DOES NOT WORK AT HOGWARTS!"

* * *

OMFG! WAT IZ HAPENIN? Well, you'll just have to wait until chapter 12 to see, dears… Muahahaha…


	12. All Hallows Eve Part I

Never write on caffeine binges. Never, never, never…

(I think I have died and gone to heaven, came back and then got hit by a truck, went to heaven again, came back and accidentally drowned, went BACK to heaven, they got sick of me and sent me to hell, but I broke my neck on the way down, went _BACK_ to heaven and finally came back as a rich famous movie star and lived out every single fantasy I've ever had before. My eternal love talked to me (and Rach) and he has a SENSE OF HUMOR! I am literally dead. I can feel it…)

Go BUSH! And Scott Peterson is getting what he deserves. (This concludes my political/current news opinion segment for this chapter. Thank you.)

**Chapter 12: All Hallow's Eve, Part I**

* * *

           "It's worth a galleon if it's worth a knut!" yelled the shopkeeper of Hogsmeade's junk shop at Ela, who was calmly trying to haggle for an old amulet that she had found lying on one of the dusty shelves somewhere around in the back.

           "That's my point, sir, it's hardly worth a knut," she said courteously, though the statement seemed to be concealing a bit of the undefined tone you use when yelling "No DUH" at Captain Obvious, who routinely tends to possess many people you talk to, or at least that seems to be the case when you walk through a certain High School in Florida…

           "Yes it is, lass!" he shouted. "Look, solid GOLD!"

           Ela shook her head and flipped the amulet over in his hands. She indicated a scratch on the back.

           "And I suppose _that_ is a scratch on the solid gold? Then wait, what's that underneath it? Aluminum…?"

           "ARGH! You won't give up on this, will you?"

           "Nope."

           "Then take it," the shopkeeper sighed. Ela could have sworn she saw him smile when he looked back at her. "If a girl your age can talk ME out of something, well, I suppose you deserve it."

           He handed over the ruby and gold/aluminum necklace to the lead female role of the story. Ela gave him a flirty smile as she left, even though he was thrice her age. This meant _nothing_, or rather was really a tactic to keep the shopkeeper from changing his mind and taking back the amulet. As Ela finally made it through the door, she first thanked the heavens above for silver eyeliner that could make convincing-looking "scratches" on what essentially was true solid gold. Then she ran off to Hermione to get an accurate appraisal of the artifact she had just purchased.

           "My goodness, that must be worth at least… 50 galleons!" exclaimed Hermione. "Where did you get it?"

           "Around," said Ela, taking another sip of butterbeer. The whole group was lingering around Hogsmeade, buying stuff, just like almost every other student third year and plus. It was not only a Hogsmeade weekend, but it was Halloween, which was incidentally on Saturday that year, despite the inconsistency of that with calendars of the year this should be taking place in.

           Glassy and Rachel joined them at the table just then, setting down heavy shopping bags, all of which boasted the Honeyduke's label. They greeted Hermione and Ela, and immediately inquired as to the origin of the amulet Hermione was holding.

           "I bought it at the junk shop." Ela shrugged. "Now, why is it worth 50 galleons, Hermione?"

           "Well this is a love amulet," explained Hermione, who was suddenly winked at by a passing boy with perfect hair.

           Madame Rosemerta passed their table right behind the boy. She smiled and gave each of the girls another butterbeer, on the house, because she had known Glassy and Rachel forever. As they took the new bottles, Hermione continued explaining what was going on.

           "If you wear this, you'll have guys falling all over for you," said Hermione. "But you have to say an incantation after you put it on. _Hombera Amoricus_. Got it? But you've got to be careful, it's also…"

           "Oh Hermione, don't spoil the fun," said Rachel. "Try it on Ela."

           Ela did just that. She said the incantation, and waited to see what would happen. Just then…

* * *

           Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a MINUTE! I am disappointed in all of you. ALL OF YOU! Have none of you noticed that Mulch Diggums was missing? Nobody's said anything yet. I think that you guys aren't paying attention. Pity, pity, because I am hiding clues in this chapter that will be important later on. And if you weren't paying attention in the last chapter, as well, I suggest you go back and read it. Heck, read over the rest of the story, and get back here when you're done, so I can TELL you what happened to Mulch, and our two friends out in the Forbidden Forest. AND GOLLUM! Nobody's inquired about him recently. Are you losing interest in him, too? Well now, people, time to step it up, and pay attention, STARTING NOW! I will quiz you on this later, don't think you're going to get off with just a warning, Now, I want a thousand word essay, single spaced, on my desk… Wait. Gah, just read the story.

* * *

           It wasn't easy living in a cupboard under the stairs, as our very own Harry Potter can vouch for. But if you're a dwarf, used to small dark, underground chambers, it is ideal. That's how Mulch saw it, anyways. His ingenious plan had been working so far; sign up Harry Potter for "Pimp My Broom," hide from everyone else, wait until the next Hogsmeade weekend, and steal the broom which would be worth about 20 thousand galleons after the revamping. Since nobody notices him ever ANYWAYS (I'm watching you ALL…), nobody would realize he was missing. Well, except perhaps Julius, but he hadn't even left the shuttle.

           Mulch snuck quietly out of the little spider-infested cupboard that he had called his home for the past two months. He crept up to Harry's dorm, and found the bed that concealed the broom that he was after. He lifted the bed-skirt a few inches up so he could see. He found a long wooden trunk with about 18 padlocks on it. Fortunately Harry knew nothing about security because the locks were merely sitting on top of the trunk, and not locking anything, as is their intended purpose. Mulch swept them aside and opened the trunk, inside of which lay the monstrosity that could have once been called a Firebolt. He lifted it gingerly out of the case, and sprinted out of the dormitory. Encountering nobody in the halls except Peeves, being annoying as always, he made it all the way out to the grounds unchecked. Unhinging his jaws, he chewed into the dirt and starting burrowing. You see, Mulch is a dwarf. Dwarves of his sort have the ability to eat dirt, digest the nutrients, and, to put it mildly, deposit the used product behind them, sealing off the tunnel. With his newly acquired asset, Mulch burrowed through the soft clay of the Hogwarts grounds, heading straight for the forest…

* * *

           …Where right at that moment, Foaly and Root sat together with their backs against the shuttle, slightly delirious from dehydration. The last bottle of mineral water had been used by Foaly to wash his mane. It resulted in a sharp whack in the forehead with a wrench from Commander Root.

           "Didja see that?" asked the ragged centaur with a dry laugh, pointing somewhere to his left. "It was a little flying thingie!" He burst into hysterical laughter.

           Apparently Root did NOT see that, as he was busy poking a tree.

           Underground, Mulch reached the pair, completely unaware of where he happened to be, and decided it would be the perfect place to surface. And he did. And then all hell broke loose…

* * *

           But none of this happened before Gollum, sitting in the Hogwarts kitchens in his little tea towel, was contacted by a shadowy figure. The unidentified person first swept into the room in a long black robe, and had to stumble over several house elves offering tea, cakes, and other foods. After shaking them off, the "Shadow" almost tripped over Fred the goth elf who was lying face down on the ground muttering about how horrible his life was. Somewhere else in the universe, a robot named Marvin did the exact same thing, and was subsequently kicked by a two-headed three-armed ex-president of the galaxy.

           But back to Gollum, who was at this moment talking to our shadow.

           "You are the one called Gollum, yes?" hissed the shadow. The voice could have belonged to a male or a female. Or Hillary Clinton. It was hard to tell.

           "Yessss, we is Gollums, shadowssss, sir, or ma'amses…"

           "How would you like to help me with a little… business arrangement…?"

           Gollum looked at the stranger with a new shrewd edge to his expression.

           "What's ins it for usssssss?"

           "The one thing you have been after for a long time…"

           "A Ferrarises?"

           "No! The Ring of Power!"

           "Oh," said Gollum, looking slightly disappointed. "Sures."

* * *

           "Hello, beautiful…"

           "Can I get you anything, Miss?"

           "How about a free Firebolt, dear…"

           Ela threw back her head and laughed at all the attention she was receiving from the males in Hogsmeade as she walked along the main avenue. A bit of it was creepy, but it was fun all the same. However, she caught the violent furtive glances of the girls who along with Ela had given the same looks of contempt to Luna. As soon as Ela saw the first one, she took off the amulet. Suddenly about 80 heads swiveled in another direction.

           "This is wrong," said Ela. "It makes me like Luna… I don't like all of the other girls glaring at me with homicidal intent…"

           "I was trying to tell you…" Hermione started, but she was interrupted by yelling from some loud, annoying person up ahead.

           "Oh dear god, not again…" Hermione lowered her head.

           "That's right, I HAVE A PIMPED FIREBOLT!" yelled Harry, to every person passing by him. He wore a white T-shirt that said, in blatant large red letters, "I LUV MAH PIMP3D BRUME!" Needless to say FaNgrL04 pitched in the effort of making it. She was right beside him bragging as well.

           "OMG HARRY HAZ DA BESTIST PIMPYEZTEST BRUME OTTA ALLZ URS!!!! W00T!!!!!!!11!!!!!!111!!1!!!!1!!11"

           "I don't know them, I don't know them…" muttered Hermione as she sprinted past, dragging Ela by the sleeve. Ela laughed the whole time.

* * *

           "GET OVER HERE, CONVICT!"

           Root suddenly sprang to life, his dehydrated daze gone. In a matter of seconds he was kneeling with his knee pressing on Mulch's back. Foaly was still spacy and chuckled lightly at what he saw.

           "WATCHA GOT THERE, HUH?" Root inquired at 96 decibels in Mulch's ear.

           "Broom... Not mine… Take it…" Mulch whimpered with his hands over his head.

           "Another stolen human artifact? Pity, Mulch… You'll get another century for this…"

           Mulch did not hear that as his hearing had taken to going on strike, leaving only a sharp ringing in its place.

           "Get in the shuttle, convict. Now!" Root shoved Mulch into the LEP shuttle and locked him in the convenient mini-cell that all standard LEP vehicles contain.

           "Foaly?" demanded Root.

           "Yessir?" asked Foaly with a hiccup.

           "Fix this damn shuttle… I'm taking that thing to jail as soon as is physically possible…"

* * *

           Everyone was getting ready for the school's Halloween feast/costume party dance, the latter of which had been tacked on at the last minute by Dumbledore for absolutely no sensible reason. The girls scrambled into costumes up in the dormitories. Manga dressed like a schizophrenic; basically, she wore just normal everyday clothes. And so did she.

           Ela was a cross between a goth, a dead person, and Edward Scissorhands. Lots of black, lots of fishnet, and teased up hair sprayed black. She used white makeup, heavy black eyeliner, and black lipstick. She kept the new amulet in her pocket, just in case she had trouble finding a dance partner.

           Rachel was a cheerleader. She amused herself by running up and down the hallway and chanting a little mock-cheer that she had learned in elementary school:

           "Totally! For sure! I just got a manicure. The sun, I swear, is bleaching out my gorgeous hair. 33, 44, I don't even know the score! But go, go, fight! Go, go, go, fight! Go, go, fight! Gee, I hope I look all right…"

           Holly just wore her normal LEP uniform, hoping for a sci-fi effect.

           Hermione chose to be an entirely red and green elf. She was showing off by charming her little elf hat to have glowy Christmas lights flashing all over it.

           Glassy decided to dress like something scary. Yes, that's right… Martha Stewart. But her costume nowhere NEAR trumped the scariest of them all. The scariest costume belonged to FaNgrL04, who dressed as…

           Herself.

           The girls met the guys downstairs. Most of the male sixth years did not bother dressing up. Saint Dane decided he could be scary enough as is, but decided to bring along a slightly bigger gun for effect. Legolas insisted on being a Playboy bunny. The only other guy who dressed up was Ron, with heavy gold chains, a backwards baseball cap, and a jersey over a white T-shirt with some unreasonably baggy pants. At the moment, he was giving everyone a nice presentation of his green plaid boxers.

           "Whoa…" said Ela. "Ron, pull up your pants."

           "But I'm a homie," explained Ron in an almost but not totally completely "un-gangsta" British accent.

           "Oh," said Ela, nodding.

           "Hey homie, pull up your pants."

           Ron growled and did as he was told.

           "So, are we going, or what?" exclaimed Pippin, eager to ingest every particle of food in the Great Hall.

           "Yeah, yeah, we're going," said Manga, dragging Legolas along by the wrist. Ela managed to pull Remus over and lock arms with him. Everyone waiting in the Common Room filed out and headed towards the party.

           And somewhere below the Great Hall, Gollum prepared to carry out his ultra-secret part of the business agreement he made with a certain "shadow"… But if I were to tell you what that plan was, it wouldn't be ultra-secret. In fact, it'd be downright NOT ultra-secret. And plus, it'd kinda be cheating wouldn't it? It'd take all the fun out of Part II… Oh wait, I'm ruining the suspense! Sorry! PICKLES!

* * *

Gee I wonder what will happen next time. Oh well, guess I'll just leave you with another tantalizing SEMI-CLIFFHANGER!


	13. All Hallows Eve Part II

Hello again. This is the first update for a few months, so I'm going to make it nice and long, for everyone to enjoy for a while. I spent my Christmas vacation and many weeks after that slaving over my keyboard just to entertain you. And myself. It's mostly for myself, but if you like it too, well, that's an added bonus. And there I go again, using pronouns incorrectly (myself without an antecedent, tsk tsk…). Don't tell Ms. Jackson.

Now, more about this chapter. I am not sure why on earth I started it this way; my only defense is that it came to me in a dream and I HAD to use the idea. I know that the mood kind of makes a weird switch from the humorous to the slightly odd to the suggestive to the violent to the humorous again, but I think the overall unexpectedness will make it interesting or interesante, as I like to say for absolutely no reason. So have fun reading the second installment of Halloween night. I'm aiming to make it surpass chapter 9 in length. As I write this (or rather revise it), the story is 7 pages on Word. Chapter 9 was 10 pages. And that's just the FIRST part… So, it's gonna be long. And it WILL be good. Promise. No. PINKY promise. So, home-made iced coffee all around (yes, I did make some for you). Sit back and enjoy.

P.S. Sorry about the total lack of indentation. This stupid new preview/edit feature screws it all up. frown

* * *

**Chapter 13 (yes, the OMINOUS chapter 13): All Hallow's Eve Part II – Fowl Play (dang that sounds corny… heh)**

The party was in full swing in the Great Hall. The night was young; everyone was having fun and dancing to the music of the Weird Sisters, whom Dumbledore had booked to play. That is, everyone except one man, standing in the corner, sweeping the room with his eyes to locate possible assassins. His name was Butler, and he was fulfilling his duty of covering rich little Artemis Fowl's butt 24/7.

Ela did not take well to seeing people not having fun. Every school dance she attended, she would drag her boring friends out on to the dance floor and nag and persist until they would finally dance. She felt she needed to do the same tonight when she saw Butler's serious expression from across the Hall. After the current song ended, she separated from Bobby, her fifth dance partner of the evening (on a list including Merry, Ron, Remus, and the random student who came to be known as Nathan in chapter 8). She marched through the crowd until she stood in front of Artemis' bodyguard.

"Dance with me," Ela demanded tersely.

"Hmm?" His eyes never left the Irish kid that stood sort of shuffling near the other dancers with a pumpkin juice in hand.

"Oh come on now, Butler, don't be so… bored. Dance with me."

He glanced down at her this time. It took his brain a second to register who she was (the makeup threw him off) and formulated a response.

"Well, you see, I'm kind of busy…" He indicated Artemis.

"That's no excuse to ruin your evening." Ela spun on her heels and marched through the crowd, finding the one person who could help her. Saint Dane. Butler watched him lean down so she could whisper something in his ear. Saint Dane looked at her inquiringly. She elaborated, and as she did, something dawned on his face; a smile, his trademark _evil_ smile. Ela kissed him on the cheek out of what appeared to be gratitude and led him back towards the skeptical but curious bodyguard.

"I've made some arrangements," said Ela, introducing Saint Dane with a wave of her hand, not unlike the kind of wave a model uses while showing off a "brand new car" on a game show.

Saint Dane presented himself in a painfully insincere "professional" manner:

"Butler, as a favor to this young woman, I have agreed to take your Principle as my own charge for the time being, giving you and the lady the time required to dance with each other. I swear to you, my friend (_Friend… Riiiiiiiight_, thought Butler) that not a hair on your little precious Artemis' head will be harmed. If you find the goods damaged in any way, feel free to shoot me, stab me, or kill me by any means you see fit."

Butler was not convinced in the least that Artemis would be safe under Saint Dane's watch. However, he was never convinced about anything, and would never be, so this did not in actuality matter. Butler conceded to himself that if anyone else in the school possessed the martial know how, the strength, and the sheer hard-ass qualities that would be vital in protecting Artemis other than himself, Saint Dane would be that person. However, Saint Dane was also the most likely person in the whole school to just off Artemis for his own amusement. After an inner struggle, Butler gave himself up to Ela. He was in an unusual mood that night. He direly needed a break. However, he could not leave Artemis in Saint Dane's care without a harsh warning or as those of a needlessly pessimistic nature might call it, a "threat." His dark blue eyes met Saint Dane's icy irises, brimming with a merciless seriousness that would have sent any man of a somewhat weaker constitution to his knees in tears.

"If Artemis ends up hurt in any way, and I mean ANY way, I will do worse than just _kill_ you. Me comprendes?"

Saint Dane nodded. Indeed, le comprendía. He situated himself ten feet behind Artemis and kept his hand steady on his weapon. Artemis didn't even notice the "changing of the guard", for if he had, nobody would hear the end of his complaints over the temporary bodyguard. Just then, a slow song started playing, as if on cue for the two dancers.

As Butler stood at an impressive 6'10 ½" and Ela barely cleared 5'2", a little adjustment was needed before the two were comfortable slow dancing. Butler had to hunch down a little to accommodate his partner, who had to stretch to her full extent to lock her arms around his shoulders. Ela was surprised as they danced, by the way Butler held her firmly but gently (somehow both), how gracefully in tune he was with her own movements. She hadn't expected a tough guy like Butler to be so skilled in the art of dancing.

"Hey, you're pretty good at this," commented Ela. Butler smiled at her.

"I learned in Paris, working for the French Secret Service. _Les filles_ in France are possibly the best dancers in the world, if I may say so myself. They helped me, er, _perfect_ my talents." He chuckled nostalgically. "Good times…"

"I'm sure," replied Ela with a small smile of her own. "You _know_… _I'm_ part French." She said it as a joke, though she actually _was_, in the slightly distant past of her family, part French. In most other cases, however, she conveniently chose to forget that particular piece of ancestry.

"Ah well, you dance like it."

Ela laughed and made some kind of comment, but Butler was not listening because at that very moment the Hall fell totally silent. This was not your run of the mill "nobody's talking" silence, it was "OMFG-I've-gone-completely-deaf" silent. There was something clearly very wrong. Instinctively, Butler switched into bodyguard mode and roughly drew Ela into his arms for protection. She struggled to breathe; her lungs didn't respond too well to be pressed quite that firmly into Butler's Kevlar-reinforced skin.

"Um, Butler, ah, you know, I kind of, um… can't _breathe_!"

"Quiet…"

Soon the source of the omnipresent silence was clear. The Hall had suddenly grown dim. A powerful gale blew open the double doors of the Great Hall and slammed them into the stone walls adjacent to them. Storm clouds formed in the imitation sky above the Hall, and then everything went black. The all too familiar purple lightning came down from the ceiling, and everyone stepped back from the center of the room, where a light flashed like a lavender nuclear bomb, sending another enormous gust of wind through the room. That could only mean one thing.

Luna had arrived.

Sure enough, when all was said and done (not actually said; nobody could speak), Luna Bell stood in the middle of the dance floor wearing a smile, and little else. Her dress robes, if you could call them that, barely skimmed her knees, and her plunging neckline fell so low that if it were a parabola, it's minimum value would be waaaaaay in the negatives, if you know what I mean. The robes were sparkling red and showed off EVERY aspect of her figure. She was a perfect 10. No, she was an 11.

If you think this failed to capture the notice of every guy in that room, I would call you naïve, smack you, and not be your friend anymore because it most definitely did. James and Sirius stopped dead in the middle of spiking the punch to stare. The hobbits quit eating so they could ogle her. That is saying something. To pry a hobbit from his food, you would normally need several very powerful machine guns, a crowbar, and an array of even more tempting desserts. Manga clapped her hand over Legolas' eyes, though it was too late for him, too. Somewhere in the Hall, someone dropped a goblet of pumpkin juice, spilling it on Hermione (who was too busy seething to notice it). This may seem inconsequential, but it is actually a rather important part of this chapter. In fact it is the turning point upon which this entire part of the story hinges. Why, you ask? Because that goblet of pumpkin juice belonged to a young man named Artemis Fowl the second, and was spilled as he was being knocked out and kidnapped by a small dark figure. This would have never happened under Butler's watch, but as you remember Saint Dane was the current guardian of Artemis. The villain completely forgot about all that, though, and his eyes were at present glued to Professor Bell.

Ela, who at this point was teetering precariously on the edge of asphyxiation, was getting staggeringly sick of Luna's "Look-at-my-ultra-cool-lightning-entrance" moments, so she did something drastic that she'd promised herself that afternoon she'd never do again. She mustered up her last vestiges of oxygen, screamed at the top of her lungs, "HEY BOYS!" and threw on her golden love amulet. She whispered the incantation and things changed rapidly.

1,000 heads whipped around from Luna to Ela. The teacher said something indignantly, but nobody was listening to her. It was as if she wasn't there. Seconds passed, and then the music started up again, the dancers scrambling back onto the floor, Ela receiving dance requests left and right. Butler, who had as of yet failed to let go of Ela, loosened his grip on her ribcage, which had been dangerously close to snapping into several pieces. Ela took a deep breath (her first in a while), and they started dancing again. It didn't take Ela very long to realize that Butler was trembling.

"Are you all right?" she asked him. His moves weren't as smooth as they had been. His normally steady hands tensed up along her spine.

"No, er, yes… I mean I'm fine," he managed to say. His body language certainly indicated otherwise.

"No," said Ela, narrowing her eyes in thoughtful confusion, "you aren't."

She was right. His heart was racing. His breathing was frequent and shallow. It occurred to Ela what was wrong as she swatted away the 27th guy who asked her to dance. Her love amulet made her the most attractive thing in the world to any being with a Y chromosome that laid eyes on her. It stands to reason that her being mostly flattened against the torso of this particular individual would have some sort of effect on him. Ela guessed even Butler couldn't quite handle those feelings so suddenly.

Ela shifted and gently disengaged from Butler. She quickly justified this with a little fabrication.

"I'm getting kind of tired," she lied, discreetly slipping off the amulet. "I'm going to get something to drink. Er, you want anything?"

"No, I'm good," he replied, looking relieved. "I should get back to Artemis." He turned towards the spot where his charge had previously stood. "I'm sure he's probably…"

He stopped. He blinked a few times. He stopped again. Something snapped behind his eyes. His hand fell on Ela's shoulder and his charming manner completely disappeared. For the second time that evening, Ela felt as if her bones were going to break.

"Where are they?" he asked flatly.

"Who?"

"Artemis. Saint Dane. Where are they?" He spoke calmly, but Ela had the creeping feeling that he was about to become very, _very_ pissed off. And when guys like Butler got pissed off, other people tended to get hurt. Badly. Or killed. Ela swallowed hard.

"Well, Saint Dane is over there…"

Butler started sprinting across the Hall before Ela even finished speaking. He headed towards Saint Dane, who stood trying to charm Professor Bell. Artemis was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh no," breathed Ela, taking off after the bodyguard, who was fast approaching Saint Dane.

"We-ell, Miz Bell," started Saint Dane, flashing Luna his sexiest smile, "what do you say you and I…"

A sharp pain in the back of his neck prevented him from finishing the sentence. He winced. The pain originated from Butler's hand squeezing the pressure points on either side of his spine. Luna blinked and stared at them with interest.

"Argh… What is it?" groaned Saint Dane, impatiently.

"Where is Artemis?" Butler demanded.

"He's off dancing or something. Leave me alone." Saint Dane tried to return to Luna but Butler pulled him back.

"You've lost him?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. Whatever. Let go." Saint Dane tried once more to slink back to the professor, but was yet again held back.

"If he's gone…"

Saint Dane wasn't paying attention, but rather still attempting to speak to the curious Luna. Ela bit her lip and anticipated the worst. Artemis was gone; Butler was mad; Saint Dane was about to be punished. Things were about to get interesting, and most probably, violent.

"I suppose you didn't hear me." Butler yanked Saint Dane 180 degrees to the right and looked him in the eyes. "I think we should settle this outside." Short. Sweet. Cold.

Luna opened her mouth to ask something, but she was ignored as Butler steered Saint Dane towards the doors of the Great Hall. Ela was helpless to do anything but follow. She had started this. It was indirectly her fault Artemis was gone. Luna attempted to follow, too, but was accosted by several dozen schoolboys eager to dance with her before she could move more than ten feet.

"What's your problem?" Saint Dane complained as they reached the Entrance Hall.

"My problem?" Butler stopped. "You want to know what _my_ problem is?" He slammed Saint Dane's back into the wall. "_My_ problem is that Artemis is gone. He is GONE. Do you understand? It is my JOB to guard him and keep him safe. You made a promise to take over for me, just for a moment. I thought you could handle him for two minutes…" Butler shook his head. "It's my fault for even leaving Artemis with you in the first place…"

Ela thought she may have caught a sideways look from Butler. She avoided his eyes.

"But I warned you earlier. You will pay for your carelessness."

Saint Dane came out of the trance Luna had put him under just then, and realized what was going to happen. His mind raced, searching for an adequate response to the situation. He could fall to his knees and beg for mercy… No. That would be undignified. There was a teenage _girl_ standing there watching. Plus, it wouldn't work anyway. Another idea came: he could run. No, just as bad. Cowardice never won a battle. He might just have to fight. Crap.

The two men headed outside; rather, one headed outside and the other was dragged behind him. Ela stopped in the middle of the Entrance Hall, unsure whether to follow. When her footsteps halted, Butler turned back to look at her. He raised an eyebrow, which Ela assumed signaled, "Are you coming?" and ran lightly to the door and stepped out into the murky twilight. Butler and Saint Dane stared each other down, and sized each other up.

"What now?" asked Saint Dane, conjuring up his arrogant evil mannerisms that he relished using with Bobby. They weren't as intimidating to someone his own size and equally skilled in fighting.

"Now," said Butler, "I rectify your mistakes and earn my salary."

The first punch was thrown. It was a left hook and hit Saint Dane squarely in the jaw. Then, for the umpteenth time in this story, all hell broke loose.

Saint Dane sprung at the bodyguard like a lion would a wounded gazelle. They grappled with each other, taking turns pinning the other down and administering a considerable amount of pain. Saint Dane, at one point, leaped to his feet, but Butler put one foot on either side of his ankle and twisted, bringing the demon to the ground again with a loud groan. Kids slowly filtered out of the castle to see what was going on outside, as young people somehow have a sixth sense that draws them to fistfights like insects to a light bulb.

The two were up again, lunging towards each other, landing punches and pulling the occasional move that might look right at home in a Matrix sequel. A circle of about 30 people formed around them, chanting "Fight, fight, fight…" Ela stood on the inside of the circle, staring in awe at what she had caused. Enough was enough. Someone was going to end up hurt. Okay, so they were already both hurting and bleeding profusely, but if someone got hurt WORSE, well, Ela couldn't live with that. She ran to the center of the circle where Saint Dane had done something that resulted in a loud crack from somewhere near Butler's shoulder.

"Stop!" she yelled.

"What?" they both asked in unison, still poised and ready to fight, looking at Ela.

"I said stop. This little testosterone-fueled dispute will not solve the problem of getting Artemis back," she stated wisely.

The other kids grumbled with disappointment. You don't just stop fights. Someone commented bitterly:

"Quite a little mouth on that one, eh?"

"We should show her how to use it," drawled someone else. It was Draco Malfoy, sneering from the other side of the circle. Silence swept through the crowd. That was one thing you did not say to a lady (or anyone for that matter) but especially not this particular lady. Ela did a complete about face and stalked over to him. There was a glint in her eyes that looked more dangerous than both Saint Dane and Butler combined.

"What was that?" she asked through gritted teeth, even though she knew exactly what he had said.

"I said," repeated Draco slowly and deliberately, "we should show her how to use it."

"Oh heaven help him," muttered Saint Dane, shaking his head. Butler nodded.

"Hell hath no fury…"

Ela leaned closer to Draco, staring him straight in the eyes.

"That's what I thought."

In a swift fluid movement, Ela wrapped her hands around his throat; both thumbs jabbed sharply into his trachea, her nails digging into his skin. She spoke in the same quiet, malicious tone.

"Say something like that to me again, boy. I dare you."

He didn't dare. He just gasped for air. Tears streamed down his face. What a wimp. I mean, you all saw him in the PoA movie, right? Psh… As soon as Ela let him go, he ran sobbing back to the castle.

"What nerve, the little bastard," said Saint Dane, watching the shape of Draco fleeing up the stone steps to the castle's oak doors. "Are you okay Ela?" He placed his hand on her shoulder, not quite sure what sort of reaction this kind of situation warranted. He figured if he acted gentlemanly towards Ela, she might favor his side of the argument and get him out of the fight.

"What?" asked Ela. "I'm fine. That little jerk just mouthed off. I'm cool."

Butler, not wanting to be left out, commented, too.

"Well still, if there's anything I can do…"

"Either of us," interjected Saint Dane, not to be outdone.

"Yes, either of us. You only need to ask."

"This display of misplaced chivalry is good enough, I'm FINE," Ela laughed. The badasses were being semi-sensitive. That was priceless.

There was a brief moment of silence, then a random kid coughed.

"Oh right, so where were we?" Butler asked.

"I was just saying violence never solves anything," answered Ela. A few people looked at her oddly, and she revised her answer a bit. "Okay, _sometimes_ it solves things, but in this case it won't get Artemis back. Let's waste no more time fighting, and get out to find him. So think; did anyone see _where_ he got to?"

Before anyone could answer, Professor McGonagall, clad in red and gold dress robes, strode quickly outside through the castle doors. She was coming to inspect the fight, like teachers must invariably do. Of course, McGonagall was a little late, but that did not deter her from marching past the circle of spectators and exploding at Saint Dane and Butler.

"What on EARTH do you two think you are doing!" She was worse than a howler. Even though Saint Dane and Butler were the biggest and strongest people in the school (save possibly Hargrid), something about the enraged professor struck fear deep into their hearts.

"Nothing," they muttered guiltily, wiping blood off their faces.

"If you were in Slytherin, I would expel you BOTH," said a slimy voice from somewhere behind McGonagall. Apparently Snape had made his way outside as well. McGonagall held up her hand and narrowed her eyes.

"Severus, please, I can handle my own students." McGonagall shot him a bitter look of contempt.

"Just saying…"

"Well don't _just say_."

"I meant it hypothetically, I wasn't trying to…"

"Shut up Severus."

"Yes ma'am."

"Thank you."

"But I was only…"

"SEVERUS!"

Snape glared and shut up like a chastised child.

"Now why are you doing what you claim to be nothing?" inquired McGonagall.

"HE LOST ARTEMIS!" Butler pointed an accusing finger at Saint Dane.

"I did NOT! If you hadn't been off dancing…"

"That was YOUR idea!"

"It was HER idea…" Saint Dane almost implicated Ela, but thought the better of ticking off the main character. "But that's not the point, you still did it!"

"We had an agreement!"

"You know better than to trust me!"

"I do NOW!"

"BOYS!" yelled Professor McGonagall with a voice that could have shattered mountains, and nearly did. She held up both hands to silence them. She drew in a deep breath to collect herself and shut her eyes for several seconds. When she opened them again, her face appeared serene. That scared everyone more than her yelling.

"Now, I will ask you again. What are you doing and why?"

"Artemis was kidnapped ma'am," Saint Dane said, in a voice that was just slightly higher-pitched than it should have been.

"Fowl?" McGonagall bit her lip. "Did anyone see who took him? Where is he?"

"We don't know," replied Ela.

"I see." Worry played on the professor's face. "And what was the fighting about?"

"It was my fault," said Saint Dane. "I was supposed…"

"Don't listen to him, he's just covering for me," Ela quickly interrupted. "I… er.. distracted Butler from watching Artemis. When we couldn't find him, I told Butler that Saint Dane had told me to do it… um… as a joke, you see? Yes, it's really all my fault for my irresponsibility. And they started fighting. And now Artemis is still missing…"

"Well are you sure Fowl didn't just run off?" McGonagall questioned. "How do you know for sure he was kidnapped?"

"Professor, he never wanders away," said Butler. "I'm afraid, though smart he is, he's mostly incapable of defending himself physically."

"Yes, yes…" McGonagall murmured. "Then I must do what I must do." She raised her voice. "All students to the house Common Rooms immediately!" She pulled Snape aside. "Get them inside, tell the prefects and the rest of the staff. We can't risk Book 2 happening all over again…"

"Book 2, Minerva?"

"Just go Severus!" She sent the potions master away with a push and started rounding up students as well.

"Professor McGonagall, what about us?" asked Butler.

"Go to Gryffindor tower."

"But Artemis is my…"

"We'll get him back safely," she reassured him. "But I must follow orders. Stay with the other students."

* * *

"Gone?"

"Just like that?"

"What happened?"

Everybody in the Gryffindor common room crowded around the trio at the center of Artemis' disappearance, asking questions rapidly and frantically. Eventually Ron and Hermione as the Gryffindor prefects had to step in to try and silence everyone, but even they could not hide their curiosity. What had happened? Was Arty okay?

"Everybody shut UP!" yelled Ela, standing on a rather squishy ottoman. It was so squishy, in fact, that it could only support her weight for about 7 and a half seconds before collapsing. Luckily, FaNgrL04 broke her fall, after conveniently being pushed into place by Holly.

"OMFG DAT HERTZ MAH BUT!" muttered FaNgrL04. And yet nobody cared.

"We do not know where Artemis is," said Ela loudly to the room, after pulling herself back up. "All we know is that he was kidnapped during the dance. We need to find him."

Hermione broke into the middle of the crowd.

"No, no, no. The teachers are taking care of that. There is no need to risk the safety of any more students."

"But Hermione…" started Ela.

"Hermione," said Butler solemnly, "you just… don't understand. Protecting Artemis is what my life has been about for the past 13 years. In life or death it is my duty to protect him. If anything happens to him, I could never forgive myself…" He trailed off, the emotion in his voice enough to keep the entire room silent for a remarkable amount of time.

"Hermione, we need to find him," finished Ela. Hermione only nodded. She understood.

"If we're going to do this, we need a plan," said Manga. "We need to, like, separate into groups… How many of us are there?" She counted on her fingers for a few moments. "Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, Butler, Holly, Saint Dane, Bobby, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, FaNgrL04, Ela, and of course me. That makes… 22."

"And us," said Glassy and Rachel.

"Right, then there are 24."

"What about us?" exclaimed an under-appreciated random student from an armchair somewhere over to the left, in reference to every other Gryffindor in the room.

"You don't matter," explained Manga. "You guys aren't main characters."

"Oh."

"Anyways," Manga continued. "We should all go look for him."

"Hold up a moment," said Ela. "We can't all go. If we're _all_ caught, Artemis has no hope of being found."

"True," Manga conceded. "Well what do you propose we do, then?"

"Two groups can go. Some to search the castle, and the others to search the grounds."

"Who's going to be sent?" whined Frodo, worriedly. Sam boldly stood in front of him.

"Don't you worry, Mr. Frodo, I'll go in your place."

Ela waved off their question. "Neither of you will likely have to go. At least not at first." She squinted thoughtfully. "There are 24 of us. So 12 will go. That means two groups of six." All this was slightly muttered into her hand and to the ground. She addressed the group. "All right, we need our six strongest, and our six most knowledgeable of the castle. Volunteers?" she asked.

"Why our strongest?" Bobby asked.

"Because searching the grounds might just include searching the forest," Ela explained testily.

"Then I'll go," said Saint Dane, making sure to inadvertently show off his gun, his 12-inch dagger, and his perfect and highly effective muscular structure. "I can handle a forest."

"We'll go," said the members of MWPP in unison. "We know the castle"

"And us," said Rachel, indicating herself and Glassy. "We can navigate the castle pretty darn well, too, if I may say so."

"You have my sword," said Aragorn.

"And my bow," agreed Leoglas.

"And my axe," added Gimli.

Can't you just hear Howard Shore's dramatic background music blaring?

"Of course I'll go." Butler nodded.

"We have everyone for the castle then," Ela said. "But only five for the grounds. Any other daring volunteers? Not you Sam," she added, before he even tried. She waited tensely in the few moments of silence that followed.

"Nobody? Oh fine, I'LL go," Ela said with mock exasperation. Everyone knew she loved being in the limelight.

"Wait, wait," said Manga. "If you guys don't come back, we'll have to go. But how are we going to know if you're really in danger or just taking a long time?"

"Is there any way for you all to like, check in?" asked Harry.

"If only we had some walkie talkies or something," said Bobby, laughing and groaning nostalgically about the time when he took some walkie talkies to Denduron and almost got the place blown up because of a long chain of events involving explosive clay and a battery detonator.

"All I have is my com set," said Holly. "But I only have one."

Butler nodded. "I have one half of a set of micro two-way radios. Yet again, only one…"

Ela closed her eyes for a moment. "And who, pray tell, has the other?"

"Artemis."

"Have you tried it yet?" she asked, trying to keep her calm.

"What?"

"HAVE YOU TRIED CALLING THE LITTLE JERK ON IT!" cried Ela, losing it.

"Why no." Butler brightened up. "I haven't."

"There's no point," said Ron. "_Electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts_, remember?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "The one time you remember that rule, Ron, and you're totally wrong."

"Wrong? What do you mean?"

"Remember the pimping?" Glassy reminded them. "They used the electric tools. Then there's the matter of the VCR…"

"TRY IT!" Ela commanded Butler. He held his watch up to his mouth.

"This is Butler. Artemis, do you read? Over."

Everyone waited for a long moment. Suddenly, out of a tiny speaker implanted in the watch came static and some fragmented speech.

"…-mis, I'm in…fores-…tiny…where the hell…pumpkin ju-…-elp me! …-ver."

Another brief moment of silence followed.

"He's in the forest!" exclaimed Butler and darted towards the portrait hole.

"Wait!" yelled Ela. "Everyone who was originally going to search for Arty, come with me. The rest of you, stay here and wait for any further developments. Cover for us and make up a story if you have to. Come on!" She ran after Butler, with Saint Dane, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli right behind. James, Sirius, Remus, Glassy, and Rachel sprinted after them. Peter stood hesistating.

"Peter!" came 11 other voices from various positions near the entrance to the Common Room.

"Coming!" he wailed, and hopped through the portrait hole as Legolas closed it and ran down the corridor after everyone else.

Just as the portrait of the fat lady swung back to it's place, Holly's com set sprung to life, and through the speaker came a muffled but otherwise understandable voice.

"Captain Short, this is Commander Root speaking. We've just… No Foaly, stop it." There was a pause. "I am not going to ask her that." Another pause. "Foaly, did you eat those mushrooms on that tree that I told you not to?" Yet another pause. "Dammit, you insubordinate centaur!"

"Commander?" questioned Holly, as everyone still in the Common Room looked at her.

"Sorry Captain. I'd just like to inform you that for some reason, we've found little Mud Boy Fowl out here in the forest. He seems to be recovering from a blunt injury to the head. He doesn't remember how he got out here, but he was panicked when we talked to him. But the weirdest part… He was with some horribly shriveled grey… _thing_."

* * *

HAHAHAHAHA! I think this has been upgraded from a semi-cliffhanger to a full blown WTF real-live-honest-to-Sally cliffhanger! Have fun musing over what this could mean, as you wait for Part III, the conclusion to this horrible mess of Halloween chapters! Oh yeah, review, review, review!


	14. All Hallows Eve Part III

I can't believe it, it's summer! This story is over a year old. And wow, it feels better to be writing again. Anyways, this chapter is that "FINALLY" chapter where things start to come together. I'm about to introduce yet another plot twist and incorporate everyone together, through hints, blatant description, and insinuations. It might be beneficial to you to go back and scan chapters 11, 12, and 13 to find those little hints I've snuck in. You'll figure it out, you smart person, you. This chapter also jumps around a lot and is kind of fast paced, so I warn you, if you have any heart or respiratory problems, or easily get motion sickness, you may want to reconsider reading this chapter. Children under 48" not allowed without adult accompaniment, and all that jazz. Have fun.

* * *

**  
Chapter 14: All Hallow's Eve Part III**

"Slow DOWN won't you!" panted Ela, still chasing Butler down countless flights of randomly rearranging steps. Everyone behind her would have shouted in collective agreement, but they were too busy trying to breathe.

"No!" he yelled, bounding down another marble staircase, four steps at a time. "We have to get to Artemis! He's in danger!"

"You don't know that!" screamed Legolas, fussing with his horribly mussed blonde hair. Somebody would pay for THAT later.

"He said '_help me_' on the radio, you idiot!" Sirius reminded the elf.

"No, he said '-elp me.' He could have meant… 'Smelp me' or something!"

"Oh shush," muttered Glassy, almost tripping down another set of stairs.

* * *

"Where are they?" Lucius Malfoy rubbed his hands together apprehensively. They were half an hour late already. What would he tell the other Death Eaters if the plan, under his supervision, failed in its first phase?

"Lucius," said Bellatrix, one of the other dark figures standing in the clearing. "Are you sure that little… monster is going to follow orders?"

"I don't know," he snapped. "But we have no choice but to trust him."

Crabbe and Goyle (the elder ones, of course) made up the rest of the group that stood against the chilly wind, waiting. They'd been standing for over an hour in the same spot. They had the ropes ready, and the super heavy magical duct tape. Crabbe had decided that if he didn't get to wrangle the stupid kid and the other… creature that night, any one of several suspicious looking trees that had been eyeing him earlier would do nicely. It wouldn't help the plan progress any, but it certainly would make him feel a lot better.

Lucius exhaled deeply, his breath a fine white mist in front of him. If this plan failed, it would be his head. Even though it was all Voldemort's idea. _Voldemort_, _Voldemort_, _VOLDEMORT_, thought Lucius, kicking bitterly at the dirt. If he'd only let some of his supporters actually _help_ him in plotting Harry Potter's demise, he might get some new fresh material and maybe, perhaps, and God forbid, SUCCEED. Stubborn jerk.

Bellatrix looked anxiously at Lucius, and irritated him with another question. "Do you think the orders were properly given to him…?"

"What exactly are you suggesting?" asked Lucius.

"You know. Did she…"

"I have full faith in our operative, and so does our Lord, so if you have any doubts of his choices in assistance, I suggest you take that up with him," Malfoy answered coldly.

Bellatrix glared at the dark trees in front of her. By the purest chance, at that exact moment, out of the corner of her eye, she caught a tiny glint of light a few hundred yards deeper in the woods.

"Look!" she whispered, pointing in the direction of the light. Malfoy's eyes followed her finger. The light flashed once more.

"Dammit!" he hissed. "Spies!" He turned to face Crabbe and Goyle. "You two take care of it, now!"

"Lucius?" Goyle asked slowly. "What if it's the kid?"

"Then take care of _him_! Go!"

* * *

"Fowl, get a hold of yourself!" growled Root, slapping Artemis across the face.

"PUMPKIN JUICE!" shouted Artemis, and immediately passed out.

"Not again," grumbled Root. This was the sixth time in the last 20 minutes that Artemis had lost consciousness. He would routinely just conk out, then wake up and start randomly yelling about pumpkin juice and other indecipherably cryptic things.

Foaly stepped around the shuttle, holding a piece of rope that extended about five feet, ending in a small loop around the neck of a tiny wretching creature with grey wrinkled skin.

"He tell you anything?" asked Root, wincing in disgust while the grey thing gagged a few times and wailed.

"No," replied Foaly, who seemed vexed. "He just keeps talking about his 'precious'…"

* * *

Holly ran upstairs and grabbed her spare set of wings from under her bed. She raced back into the Common Room, quickly strapping them on, while instructing the other important students to stay here while she located Artemis and met up with the search party. Holly pulled on her LEP helmet and threw open a window. She poised on the windowsill getting ready for takeoff, when suddenly FaNgrL04 grabbed her by the legs.

"OMG LOL TAKE ME WIT U!"

"Let GO!" Holly screamed, almost falling seven stories to her death. But Holly had already kicked off and begun to fly. FaNgrl04 dangled from the fairy's knees, slowing down her flight considerably. Holly sighed and set her wings to hover. On a weird impulse, rather than taking her back to the window and leaving her, Holly secured FaNgrl04 onto her Moonbelt. As they flew off towards the Forbidden Forest, Holly began to think that maybe having a horribly irritating companion might come in handy whilst facing the inevitable dangers of the forest. Just maybe…

* * *

Butler and the rest of the search party scrambled out of the castle's main oak doors down the stairs. They had to take a hidden back route that James had discovered behind a tapestry on the third floor back in his second year to avoid being caught by the teachers, who were debating furiously in the Great Hall. They sprinted across the grounds and towards the line of trees that marked the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

Everyone had just about had it with all of the running. Of course Butler, with his intense military training and incredibly high level of endurance could have run 10 miles on pure adrenaline before even breaking a sweat. But that was Butler, not the 11 people struggling to follow him. Ela, panting, threw herself against a tree and hugged it for support as everyone cantered, then feebly jogged, then stumbled to a halt.

"Oh… my… holy… dear… expletive…" coughed Ela, backed up by the gasping agreement of the other runners.

"What are you doing? Let's go!" urged Butler, itching to sprint off into the forest.

"I'm surprised," said Saint Dane, "a man such as yourself would run blindly into what could easily be a trap."

"What?" asked Butler, distractedly.

"What if Fowl's captors are waiting just a couple hundred yards in with weapons, ready to pick you off? Hell, you'd be dead before you knew you were dying."

Butler blinked, having not thought of that and really wishing he'd had.

"Then what do you propose we do?"

"Oh it's easy," Saint Dane said, casually rolling up his sleeves. "You just need to know what you're doing."

* * *

"What was that sound?" snapped Root.

"Eh, Julius?"

"Dammit Foaly! I told you…"

At that moment two strong pairs of hands wrapped around the necks of the centaur and the fairy, cutting off the captain's sentence. The four figures stood there for a moment, blinking as Gollum lay on the ground, writhing and squealing about the rope that bound him. Finally Foaly spoke to the man holding him in place.

"Um, what are you doing?"

Crabbe thought for a moment and answered slowly.

"The Vulcan neck pinch?"

"No you idiots!" growled Root. "You've got it much too high. The thumb goes down here, at the base of the neck." He pointed to the area just above his collarbone.

"Oh. Thanks," said Goyle, he and Crabbe correcting their grips. Foaly and Root fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Nice guys, really," commented Crabbe, untying the temporarily cataleptic Artemis and flinging him over his shoulder. "Pity we'll have to kill them."

"Yeah, but let's worry about the kid first," said Goyle, grabbing Gollum's rope and dragging him along. "Lucius is probably going nuts…"

* * *

"That's undignified," said Glassy. "You can't just parade around…"

"Shhh!"

"She's right. This is totally promoting the sickeningly frequent male view of women as property and I won't stand for it!" exclaimed Rachel, working up a debate-worthy enthusiasm that was extremely unnecessary at the moment.

"Would you shut up?" hissed Saint Dane. He turned to Ela. "You aren't going to start having problems with this, are you?"

"No worries. But I'd have never thought to try it…"

"Only a man," grumbled Glassy.

"That's all well and good," said James. "But what _exactly_ are we doing here?"

Saint Dane rubbed his hands together.

"Here's the plan of attack. First, we have our…"

"Bait?" suggested Rachel bitterly.

"Correct. Ela uses the amulet, and we lure our kidnappers out into the open. Now comes…"

"Did you ever think perhaps that the kidnappers could be female?" asked Glassy.

"Listen, almost all serial killers and kidnappers are male. I have experience in this area. Trust me, we're dealing with guys here," Saint Dane snapped. He let out a long exasperated sigh and continued. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted; we get the captors out in the open. Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli will secure our position, unnoticed, forming a sort of triangle around them in case they bolt. Butler and I, waiting closely behind the girls, will take them down while they're still hopefully unaware. And you boys," he nodded to Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter, "will find Fowl."

"How do we get out?" asked Legolas, eyeing the forest suspiciously. "Isn't there supposed to be bad stuff in there? Oh my gosh, do I really need anything else screwing up my hair?"

"Calm down Legolas!" said Aragorn in Elvish. After everyone was clear on what the subtitles said, he continued in English. "But he has a point. How do you plan to get out?"

"We'll rendezvous within this 'triangle' thing, and make a run for it," explained Butler.

"Do we have a plan B?" asked Remus.

Saint Dane simply looked at his weapons and smiled.

Everyone nodded in understanding.

"All right then," said Saint Dane. "Let's roll."

* * *

"You've got him!" shouted Lucius, so relieved he was shaking. "Thank god…"

"Yep," grunted Goyle.

"Well, what did our Lord say to do now?" asked Bellatrix.

Lucius pulled out a sheet of paper.

"It says we're just supposed to wait for him here…" Lucius wiped sweat off his forehead. He thought for sure he'd failed. He could just imagine the cold high-pitched voice. _Crucio!_… _Sweet mercy_, he thought, _I couldn't take it_. He trembled violently.

"You horrid little demon!" Lucius growled, kicking Gollum. "You didn't follow orders!"

"We did! We didses!" Gollum squealed, recoiling. "Nasty fairieses kidnapped us!"

"There were actually two rather small fellows out there by some giant metal thing," mentioned Crabbe. "The held Gollum captive, like the Fowl boy."

"Thank you for mentioning this now," said Lucius, "but it's immaterial. We have the…" Lucius trailed off.

"The?" prompted Bellatrix. Lucius stared ahead into space, as if he were a Furby whose batteries had long since been drained and who sits with its wide cute demonic eyes fixed on you. Damn things.

"Uh, Lucius?" asked Crabbe. "You okay man?"

"An angel!" whispered Lucius. "An angel sent down to me from heaven! Come, O angel!"

"What?" asked Bellatrix flatly.

A swift moment later, it was revealed what Lucius had been staring at and talking about. There was a figure advancing towards the clearing. But this was no angel. It was Ela. However, as you will remember, Ela was currently wearing the love amulet that she'd purchased from Hogsmeade, and had the power to charm into submission any man who dared stand in her way. Which is precisely what she was doing.

"Lucius," she whispered in her sexiest voice. "I've been waiting for you…"

"WHAT?" repeated Bellatrix.

Crabbe and Goyle had fallen victim to the power of the amulet, too, but their attentions had been redirected to Glassy and Rachel, who followed behind Ela, whispering their names. The only clear-headed Death Eater now was Bellatrix, who stood, utterly confused, in the middle of it all. Gollum was still retching and talking to himself, and Artemis lay sleeping on the ground.

"Lucius," said Ela, carefully hissing on the 'c' and 's.' "Lucius, listen to me…" She approached the chief Death Eater and looked deep into his cloudy eyes. "I need you to do something for me."

"Anything," he breathed. "Anything you desire."

"Hand over the boy and the monster," said Ela slowly.

"But, m-my master, Lord V…" Lucius started to stammer.

Ela held her finger to his lips to silence him. "I need you to listen to _me_ right now."

"Oh give me a break!" exclaimed Bellatrix. "That little tart is one of those stupid Gryffindors. I bet she's friends with that Harry Potter!"

"H-Harry…" mumbled Lucius. "Potter. Potter!" His eyes snapped open. Crabbe and Goyle started looking doubtfully at Glassy and Rachel. Bellatrix was about to prompt Lucius to kill the girl and run. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli tensed in their positions in the trees, ready to spring. Saint Dane and Butler prepared to sprint into action. But Ela had her own idea, one meant for a last resort. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Desperate measures…

Ela pulled Lucius close and kissed him. Seriously kissed him. It was no quick peck on the lips; it was a full-blown "I'm-in-heaven-never-let-me-go" kind of kiss. This was the moment that Saint Dane chose to run into the clearing, guns blazing.

"You dirty bastard!" he yelled as he shot wildly at Lucius. Butler followed, confused. He assumed Saint Dane had a plan, and went after Crabbe and Goyle in a similar manner. Aragron rushed in and scooped up Artemis and Gollum as Saint Dane and Butler chased the Death Eaters off. Spells and bullets ricocheted through the trees, missing their targets.

"What was THAT?" Ela shouted after them. "I thought I had them!"

Gimli hopped down from his tree. "No, the female looked like she was ready to start something. I suppose it's best they're chasing them off."

"But the Death Eaters could come back just as easily and do more harm if we don't catch them!" Ela exclaimed. "Why must there always be a big dramatic gun battle and chase scene?"

"Ratings," replied Legolas, simply. "Fight scenes appeal to a wide audience, but more specifically the coveted 18-26 year old male demographic. It's all but absolutely necessary to include one in any story, movie, book, or television show."

Out of spite and casual dislike for Legolas (at times), the author decided to not describe the fight, and rather skip right on ahead to the end.

"We've lost them…" said Butler, slowing his pace. "But we've saved Artemis. That's what we came here to do."

"Well those stupid Death Eaters will not live to see the end of this story," mumbled Saint Dane in a dark yet blatant example of possible foreshadow.

"Not if I can help it," agreed Butler. I hate that cliché!

Ela and the other girls, and the three guys from Lord of the Rings (Aragorn still carrying Artemis and Gollum) approached Butler and Saint Dane.

"We should get out of here," commented Rachel. "It's dark and creepy…"

"Wait, we can't leave without James and his friends," Glassy reminded them.

"Oh but where ARE they?" asked Ela.

* * *

Good question. I'll tell you exactly where they were. About 10 meters away from the fairy shuttle, still searching for Artemis, who had already been found, although they did not know that.

"You guys, this is scary," Peter whined as he walked slowly through the trees with James, Sirius, and Remus.

"Shut up Peter," said Sirius. "We know the forest is scary, we know the forest is full of scary things; that's been reiterated about a million times in each of the books, not to mention dually reinforced in this story several times. So please, next time you feel the pressing urge to restate the obvious, don't!"

"Look!" exclaimed James, pointing to something. "What is that?"

"It's a tree," said Remus. "But look over here!" He pointed in the opposite direction. "I see something that appears to be a large hunk of metal sitting in the middle of the forest."

"Well how do you know it's really the middle?" asked Peter. "I mean little Sally Henderson can run into the forest only so long before she's actually running OUT of it, you know, like that old riddle about…"

"Will you shut UP?" asked Sirius again.

"What if it's a UFO?" suggested James. "Maybe we should call the _Quibbler_."

"Why don't we just go investigate?" said Remus, with a slightly sour edge.

"Oh yeah, that works too," James conceded.

They snuck quietly around the metal object. Each had gathered large branches, in case they needed to defend themselves. As they rounded on the thing, they came face to face with a tiny man and a centaur waking up on the forest floor.

"Who are you, Mud Boys?" the one that wasn't a centaur asked gruffly as he saw the students.

"James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus," Sirius said quickly. "Who are you?"

"Commander Julius Root of the LEP. This is my associate Foaly," he pointed to the centaur, who waved.

"Pleased to meet you," said Remus. "Are you aliens?"

"No."

"Told you James."

"SHUT UP!" said James.

"Anyways," Remus continued, "would you happen to know an Artemis Fowl, and his present location?"

"We had him in our custody a short time ago, but two large men kidnapped him and this other thing that had accompanied him. It looked kind of like… Yoda. Without the ears, though," replied Root.

"Two large men?" wondered James aloud. "Possibly Saint Dane and Butler?"

"You know Butler?" asked Foaly. "No, it wasn't him, I know that at the very least…"

"YOU know Butler?" asked Remus. "Wait, so you already know Artemis… And Holly! This is the fairy shuttle, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Root. "It is."

"Where's Mulch then?" Sirius asked, suddenly remembering that he hadn't seen the dwarf in about eight chapters.

"He's locked up in the shuttle," said Foaly.

"You should bring him, too," Remus said.

"Bring him where?" asked Root. "We can't leave the shuttle!"

"You have to," urged Remus. "We have to get Artemis and get out of here before whoever took him finds us."

Just then, a figure, or rather two figures descended from the sky on a pair of Hummingbird wings. One of them was yelling random nonsense, and the other was shaking her head sadly. You know who these people are, of course. It was Holly and FaNgrL04. Yay.

* * *

Suddenly the author stopped for a lunch break, but then came back a little later, not disrupting the story a bit, as you are reading this in the future.

* * *

"Commander!" Holly yelled.

"Captain!"

"Foaly!" said Holly.

"Holly!"

"FaNgrL04!" said James and Sirius.

"MWPP LOL!11!"

"Janet!"

"Dr. Scott!"

"Janet!"

"Brad!"

"Rocky!"

Sorry. Wrong story.

"What are you doing out here?" asked Root.

"I got your transmission," said Holly. "Where's Artemis?"

"Two rather strong guys came and stole him," replied Foaly.

"Well we need to find him," said Holly.

"That's what we were sent to do," said James. "But we couldn't."

"OMG MaYbEE HeZ wit EvRy1 eLsE LMAO!" suggested FaNgrL04.

"That might just be crazy enough to be true," said Remus. Another hated cliché.

As if on cue, Butler Saint Dane, and basically everyone else including Artemis and Gollum arrived.

"How convenient," mused Legolas. Everyone is all in one spot…"

"We followed the shouting," explained Glassy. "Who's Dr. Scott?"

"Forget that, let's just get out of here," said Ela.

"What about Mulch?" asked Sirius. "Isn't he coming with us? We can't leave him…"

Root kicked open the shuttle door and unlocked the cell where Mulch sat, eating something he had found lying on a shelf.

"Come on, convict!" shouted Root, dragging Mulch behind him. Mulch, at the last second, grabbed the atrocity that was Harry Potter's broom that Root had left in the shuttle after confiscating it.

"That's everyone, I presume?" Saint Dane asked.

"Yes," said Holly, counting heads. "That seems to be all."

"Right then," said Butler filled with a warm sense of accomplishment. "Let's take Artemis back to the castle."

And, to make a not quite initially long story marginally shorter, they did.

* * *

That's actually NOT the end of Halloween night, but I am so sick of this chapter and I liked the last line so much, that I will just leave it there and put the little extra bit into chapter 15, as it's not very important. Or rather it is important, but I need to retain some element of surprise and I need something to start chapter 15 with. Anyways, I have some nice new exciting (gotcha!) plans for the rest of the story, and provided that it's summer and I have plenty of time to write, you'll be seeing many more updates more frequently, and my material will not be quite as boring. So if you bothered to read this latest installment, do review, and I will see you in chapter 15.


	15. The Good Old Quidditch Game

Bet you thought I was dead, didn't you? Ha!

If there are any of you still there, which is a chance I'm going to have to take…

Oh well, welcome to chapter 15! It's been two years since I've touched this baby (I think) and tonight I was overcome with the urge to write. So here goes, I am going to try resuscitating this thing. Be proud of me – I've been so busy in school! Hopefully I can still entertain you! So enough with my babbling, eh? Let's get on with this!

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**Chapter 15: The Good Old Quidditch Game**

And so we meet back up with our heroes, taking the young Artemis Fowl to the castle. Butler had him slung awkwardly over one shoulder, and the rest of the group, tired from the night's action, silently trudged behind him. Butler threw open the castle doors dramatically and marched into the Great Hall with such exhibition, that all the professors immediately looked up and gasped in unison.

"You've FOUND him!" shrieked McGonagall. "Fowl is alive!" She rushed over and watched as Butler laid him gently on the Gryffindor House table, then immediately took out her wand and prepared to bring him back to consciousness. Butler's rather large hand rested on hers for a moment.

"Madam," he said, "I think we should let him have his rest. It's been a long night."

She nodded. "Very well, Mr. Butler. Very well."

By this time Snape had again slunk over to the group to deliver one of his periodic hypothetical punishment speeches.

"Minerva, if they were my students, I would have them all expelled!"

Professor McGonagall shot him an acidic glare. "Oh please Severus, go expel a Slytherin. We'd all be better off." She turned to her students. "But he has a point. Every last one of you disobeyed a direct order to stay in your Common Room. Why?"

"You want the truth or the ass-covering, and highly forgivable excuse?" Saint Dane offered.

"Amuse us with both," drawled Snape.

"The excuse," Saint Dane said, "is that we were all so worried about Fowl that we got together for an inspirational rescue attempt, somehow succeeding against all odds by bending the rules in a very admirable way."

"And the truth?" asked McGonagall.

"Truth is, HE was worried about Fowl," Saint Dane pointed to Butler, "and SHE," he pointed to Ela, "organized a rescue party. HE," he pointed to Butler again, "got a radio message from Fowl, begging for help, and WE," he indicated the entire group, "set out to get him, in the Forbidden Forest. Oh, and I," he pointed to himself with a cocky smile, "came up with a plan to save him. Thank me later."

McGonagall waved her hand. "I see… Unfortunately I shall have to punish you for your rule breaking… Minus 10 points apiece seems reasonable, seeing as there are… Dear Lord, 17 of you?"

Ela tried to count, and gave up. "Yeah, pretty much."

McGonagall frowned, "170 points from Gryffindor. How dreadful!"

Dumbledore suddenly spoke, startling everyone who had not realized he'd been listening.

"I do believe, Minerva, that they deserve a reward for retrieving our poor missing Artemis." He smiled. "How does 270 points sound? It ought to even out nicely…"

"100 points," mused Aragorn. "Not bad for a night's work."

"Ah there is another matter we should discuss," said Ela to Dumbledore. "In the forest, we actually came upon a group of Death…"

"Oh don't worry about that," Dumbledore interrupted quickly. "Nothing I can't handle. Shoo along to the Common Room while the Professors talk now. There's a good lass…" He left the large group of students alone at the door. Having no other real option, they all returned back to Gryffindor Tower (even Foaly and Root, who, although not required to be students, decided to take up residence with the Gryffindors), with Artemis slung over Butler's shoulder, and Ela's hand conspicuously holding Saint Dane's.

The explanations in the Common Room took the better part of the evening. Each party involved was telling a different version to a small group of students; Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli made it sound like an epic battle for Artemis Fowl's life; Saint Dane and Butler each tried to exaggerate their own manliness and valor in the rescue attempt; Glassy and Rachel recalled the "seduction" plan with great feminist contempt; Ela babbled on about how hot Lucius was, and how hot Saint Dane and Butler looked chasing him. FaNgrL04 spouted some incoherent babble to a small crowd of wide-eyed first years. And so it went. Remus could also be found, curiously poking around Foaly's salvaged reserves of technology, and Commander Root had already taken a liking to a certain Sirius Black and James Potter.

It wasn't until the wee hours of the morning that the activity in the Common Room died down. Most of the students had wandered off to bed, but several still sat quietly by the fire. Two of this number happened to be our main character, and her shady companion, Saint Dane.

Ela looked up at him in the dwindling firelight. "Don't think I have forgotten my promise," she said to him. "Even after all this nonsense, I owe you for looking after Fowl for the time that you did, so I could dance with Butler."

He glanced up at her through the darkness. "I see no reason for you to follow through with that. I didn't exactly hold up my end of the bargain."

"I don't care," she said. "Perhaps I don't see your… compensation as a chore." She smiled slyly. "I think you understand me."

"I do," he said, a sly smile beginning to creep across his face. "But, not here. At least, not now. It's far too late."

Ela nodded in agreement. "Do not think I will forget." She stood up from the armchair she had been sitting in, approached the man she had been conversing with, and for the first time she did what she'd been longing to do for Lord knows how long. She kissed him. And this was not like the awkward kiss in the dormitory during the game of truth or dare. This was real. This was hot.

"Goodnight," she whispered as she pulled away.

"Sweet dreams, my dear," he replied quietly. He smiled slightly and waved, as he watched her climb the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

And this, my friends, is the beginning of the rest of the story.

* * *

The next week passed like a blur. The excitement was building, for time was drawing nigh to the point the entire school had been waiting for. QUIDDITCH, homes!

The first game of the year was to be between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. The Gryffindor team had already been assembled, of course: Harry Potter was, as always, Seeker; Ron was keeper, Ginny was a Chaser, Katie Bell, also a Chaser, happened to be Captain. Now any strictly canonical purists can leave the room. Your dear author is about to fabricate a little. The third chaser position was filled by Bobby Pendragon, incidentally, who had shown incredible aptitude in the position when horsing around with some of the other boys after class. Perhaps it was his background in basketball. The team's two Beaters were also a surprising addition: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Though James Potter had been the only member of MWPP to play Quidditch back in their day, these two boys thought it was high time to show big-head James Potter what it was like to have two gloating friends on the team. Sirius had no trouble getting the position, being the tough guy that he is. Remus was a little more shy and passive, but had proven his worth with a surprising little mean streak. Long story short, at practice he had batted a Bludger right at Peter's head for being insolent and annoying. And he wasn't even trying out.

So that Saturday, the Gryffindor House table was alive with activity at breakfast. The players on the team ate together; nobody dared bother them to break their concentration. Elsewhere, Ela was organizing a cheerleading troupe consisting of herself, Manga, Holly, Rachel, Glassy, FaNgrL04 and Legolas. They all had on cute matching red and gold outfits, and a stray eye wandered over now and then from some of the boys and men to admire the short skirts. Those eyes generally darted away quickly, though, when they landed upon Legolas.

"Here we come a truckin' in!" barked Ela, while the other cheerleaders followed her dance movements. "Bet you wonder where we've been!" More dancing. "We're the team that can't be beat!" Gyrations galore. "'Cause we're funky on our feet!"

"Where the hell did you hear that?" groaned the newly recovered Artemis. "I'm a rich pale white Irish boy, and even I know that has no real rhythm."

"Shut up!" Ela snapped. "I heard Adam Corolla do it once."

"You do know that no part of Quidditch is played 'on our feet,' right?"

Ela grumbled. "On your mom…" She quickly set about changing the cheer.

The Hufflepuff House table was equally as busy. Their players were being cheered and high-fived, as the other students busied themselves preparing banners and signs to hold up in the stands. Their new captain, a Keeper named Andrew Warman, was giving everyone a pep talk. They looked like a ready, and perhaps dangerous bunch to face on the Quidditch pitch. Today, it was on.

As the Gryffindors finished their breakfast, who should happen to stop by but Draco Malfoy! He slithered over to Harry Potter himself and began taunting.

"Oh is Potty little Potter going to play Quidditch today? After that whole hiatus last year?" He sighed with disappointment. "And I was hoping it would be permanent. Oh well Potter, best of luck. Hope you don't fall and break your neck."

Harry only looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, then looked away.

"Hey Potter, I was – OOOF!" Draco's sentence had been halted by an "accidental" whack in the face from Ela's left fist as she practiced one of her routines. Draco glared at her and walked briskly back to the Slytherin House table.

The Gryffindor players looked at each other and nodded silently. It was game time. Time to get down to the pitch. They stood and marched purposefully down the length of the table and out the doors into the Entrance Hall. The entire Gryffindor table stood up and cheered them, and once they had exited the Great Hall, all of the Gryffindors thundered out.

* * *

"What a LOVELY day for a Quidditch game, isn't it?" echoed a voice throughout the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch.

"Why yes it IS, Merry!" replied another voice, equally as loud.

"Reporting to you from the grandstands, this is Meriadoc Brandybuck with my dear friend and esteemed cousin, Peregrin Took!"

"Now, unfortunately, we don't know many of the players' names, but we'll try to give you the most accurate play-by-play analysis we can, because that's what we're being paid to do, aye?" Pippin took a deep swig of butterbeer and smiled at Professor McGonagall.

"Actually, you're not being paid, boys," McGonagall said, raising her eyebrows.

Merry and Pippin looked at each other. They began whispering amongst themselves, totally forgetting that their voices had been magically amplified.

"That's not fair!" Pippin whispered. "She said we'd be compensated. That's total bullsh—"

"MR. TOOK!" warned McGonagall.

"Are the butterbeers free?" inquired Merry.

"I suppose," sighed McGonagall.

"Then apparently we have some commentating to do!" yelled Pippin as he and Merry clinked their bottles together.

The players on the field mounted their brooms. The Hufflepuffs glared at the Gryffindors, who snarled in return. Madam Hooch released the snitch, blew her whistle, and threw the quaffle into the air.

"And they're off!" roared Pippin.

Bobby was the first one to catch the ball. He raced towards the Hufflepuff goalposts, with another boy in yellow robes right on his tail. He prepared to throw the quaffle at the Keeper, Andrew Warman, but before he could even let go of the ball, he took a bludger to the side of the head and nearly fell from his broom.

"Ouch!" exclaimed Merry. "Pendragon takes a bean from a bludger… hit by one of his own teammates! Remus Lupin!"

Lupin flew close to the still-reeling Bobby. "Sorry mate," he said. "I was aiming for the guy behind you."

A Hufflepuff recovered the quaffle and began racing towards Ron Weasley, who gulped nervously. Katie Bell and Ginny Weasley sped alongside the small, mousy Chaser and gave each other a quick nod. Katie swerved sharply to the right, Ginny to the left, and they stooged the kid until he dropped the ball. Bobby quickly recovered the quaffle, but threw it to Ginny with a squeal as he saw one of the Hufflepuff Beaters preparing to whack another bludger his way.

"And it's Ginny Weasley with the quaffle!" exclaimed Merry. "In my totally impartial, objective opinion, she should take that ball and shove it right up…"

"Mr. Brandybuck…" hissed McGonagall.

"…and into the goal," finished Merry innocently.

Ginny deked the Hufflepuff Keeper, took aim, and sure enough, threw the quaffle right through the leftmost golden hoop.

"Ten points for Gryffindor!" shouted Pippin excitedly.

In the grandstands, Ela and her cheerleaders jumped to their feet and began chanting: "G-R-Y… F-F-I… N-D-O-R… We'll show those stupid Badgers who we are! H-U-F… F-L-E… P-U-F-F… Let's hear it red and gold, let's make the fans go deaf!"

Artemis Fowl groaned. "That American girl has absolutely no sense of rhythm or rhyme, does she Butler?" He nudged his manservant in the side, expecting immediate validation. He heard nothing. Artemis looked up at Butler, whose eyes seemed to be following the perky bouncing of Ela's skirt and what lay beneath. Artemis cleared his throat loudly and threw a sharp elbow into Butler's side. The large man shook his head and grunted imploringly.

"I said, the American girl writes terrible rhymes, don't you think so?"

"Not that bad," muttered Butler, who went back to eying the cheerleaders.

Back on the field, or rather in the air, play continued. Gryffindor had the early lead, but Hufflepuff came back until they had a 40-point lead over Gryffindor. Suddenly, Butler's cheerleaders weren't quite so perky. Ela sat with her arms and legs crossed on the bench.

"Dammit, we're playing like the Maple Leafs in April!" she complained.

* * *

In the author's house, Ela's muse rolled her eyes.

"Nobody even gets that."

"Oh shut up," the author said. "My story, my jokes."

* * *

The Gryffindor Chasers were desperate. They tried anything to steal the quaffle. Sirius and Remus beat bludgers left and right. Ron was having a nervous breakdown. And Harry still saw no sign of the snitch.

"This game is not looking too good for Gryffindor," said Pippin sadly, taking a halfhearted swig of butterbeer as Hufflepuff scored their 60th point to Gryffindor's meager 10.

"Indeed," Merry replied grimly. "Hufflepuff expands their lead to 50 points, and the red and gold don't seem to have any fight left in them at all."

Ela suddenly jumped up from the bench and raised her voice. She didn't need to shout, for the entire section was silent.

"All right people! Our boys – and girls – out there need our support! COME ON!" She began chanting that oh so familiar chant she had learned in a little place called the St. Pete Times Forum. "LET'S GO LIONS!" She clapped her hands five times. "LET'S GO LIONS!"

Slowly her cheerleaders joined her. Then Saint Dane, Butler, and Aragorn stood up and added their bellowing voices to the chant. One by one the Gryffindor students stood and began clapping. Pretty soon, Luna had the neutral Ravenclaw section chanting too. Half of the school was cheering on the Gryffindor quidditch team, and they certainly felt the energy.

"Let's do this!" shouted Sirius to Remus, as they knocked their clubs together and donned evil grins. On the other side of the pitch, Ron said a little prayer.

Bobby Pendragon had somehow gained possession of the quaffle at the faceoff, and bolted immediately towards the Hufflepuff goalposts. With some pushing and shoving he managed to break through the defenders. It was Bobby against Warman.

Suddenly a bludger zoomed over Bobby's head; he ducked quickly, not to be hit again. The heavy metal ball flew right towards the Hufflepuff Keeper. He managed to dodge it just in time, but as he darted to the right, Bobby threw the ball to the left, right through a hoop.

"AND GRYFFINDOR SCORES!" shouted Pippin. The chanting Gryffindor section erupted into cheers and shouts.

And high above the action, Harry Potter saw something.

Something tiny.

Something gold.

He dove.

The Hufflepuff Seeker, Riley, caught on at once and dove right behind Harry. She was a short girl, but stout. The wind resistance kept her just a few seconds behind him. Harry neared the ground and stuck out his arm. He was just yards away from the turf below. Riley followed relentlessly.

Harry suddenly turned and flew back into the air.

Riley tried to turn.

She failed.

As the Hufflepuff Seeker crashed right into the ground of the pitch,

Harry swung to the left and caught the snitch exactly where he had seen it, 50 feet above the ground.

"He's caught the snitch!" yelled Hermione from the stands. "Harry caught the snitch!" The Gryffindors broke out into another round of raucous cheers and shouts.

"Would you look at that!" exclaimed Merry. "The Gryffindors come back in an amazing upset – Harry Potter pulls a Wronsky Feint on the Hufflepuff Seeker and catches the snitch mere seconds later. The Gryffindors have it!"

As Ela surveyed the cheering crowd behind her, she smiled and shouted at the top of her lungs:

"PARTY IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM!"

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Although you're probably lucky if you get an update within the next two years, I'll try! XD Please review, because I poured a lot into this chapter and have a possible plot device planned for the next one. See you around. :D


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